I am so very thankful for all of the cards and the meals and the calls and the texts...I am. I truly am. So please don't take this the wrong way...all of you...but I am so tired of it all. None of it makes me feel better. None of it makes me happy. None of it brings Eva back. I know she is in a better place...but I don't want to hear that. I want her here. I want her w/ me. HERE on EARTH...Not in Heaven. She should be here. She should be in my arms...I know I will see her again someday. But that day is not today...and today is when I want to see her. Right now...I don't want to have to wait.
Mom, I'm sorry for upsetting you, or should I say I'm sorry for allowing you to upset me. I know that you mean well and never meant to make me cry but these days it happens so easily.
So again, I say it w/out meaning to hurt anyones feelings. PLEASE give me my space. I know some of you out there have experienced a loss. Whether it be a loved one passing away or even a break-up in a relationship. I would have called you once and if I didn't hear back I would have left you alone and given you your space. I am sure someday I will come back around but that likely won't be anytime soon. I don't mind the every so often calls and the messages or the random texts or the emails...but please don't hound me or just "pop" in on me.
Again, I'm sorry if I am coming off strong but it hurts more to be bothered when I just need time...alone...to heal and to grieve.
Keller, TX ~ August 7th, 2010
The "eight of us" together w/ our NEW babies after our losses...
Deeper Still ~ June 28th, 2008
The "eight of us" w/ Beth Moore (w/ empty arms)...
Eva & Her Guardian Angel
Vinnie & Chrissy
Mya & Dominic
Eva Janette
Newborn Hospital Picture taken 3/21/08
Dante Vincent
2/27/09
Deluca James
10/11/11
About Me
- Chrissy
- Pittsburgh, PA, United States
- Blessed mom of 7 ❤️ Dmitri 6.2015, Divino 9.2013, Deluca 10.2011, Dante 2.2009, Eva 3.17.08 (on 3.23.08 @ 2:57 AM ~ Eva went from my chest to the arms of Jesus), Mya 7.2000 & Dominic 5.1996. Eva, the 5th member of our family, was a true blessing from God for 5 days, 18 hrs and 10 minutes. At 13 wks of pregnancy, she was diagnosed with full Trisomy 18. And need I not forget Vinnie, father of 4 of my children, my best friend of 18 yrs, and my ROCK throughout it all. He has been nothing but supportive throughout the entire storm. I couldn't imagine going through this w/ anyone but him. Eva has changed our lives forever. I praise God for Eva and am thankful and grateful for every second we shared w/ her. I will cherish those memories forever. Until we meet again Eva. Mommy loves you! While in Atlanta, 6.27.08, surrounded by my "blog girls", is when I found out that we were expecting Dante. Our due date was 3.6.09, 11 short days before Eva's 1st birthday. My prayers after saying good-bye to Eva were more like begging God for new life. Then, I was still begging God…for a perfect, healthy baby that would get to come home and outlive me. I hope to never bury one of my children EVER again.
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16 comments:
Chrissy,
I am praying for the perfect space that you need to heal and grieve. Your not comming off strong your comming off like a mommy.
Blessings and peace to your broken heart,
Melissa
Chrissy,
Be gentle with yourself. I am glad to see you being an advocate for what you need. I am praying for you each and every day. Take all the time and space you need. I understand how frustrating it is when so many people mean so well and have kind words and yet none of them comfort you and many of them frustrate you. None of us want "angels in Heaven" we all want our babies here on earth. Please know I am here for you whenever you are ready to chat. I love you!
Kristy
I love you, too, Chrissy. You have a place in my heart that will remain, and I will pray for you, to safely make it through this period. There is no "way" that you have to "be." I'll just pray.
connie
understand totally - your words could have been those of my daughter's who is still struggling just like you. and as her mom, i know the mom/daughter relationship during this time takes lots of patience, honesty and understanding. take your time. it is a long road. we'll pray silently for you. He will wait for you. love, jan
You expressed your need well and respectfully. As one who has had a loved one depart I fully understand. I, too, cried out for that space. It is critical. You are an insightful honest woman to state your need. Many of us will continue to remain in the background praying for you and knowing the peace you need will be provided by the One who gives it beyond understanding. May you and your family know the limitless grace of God the Father.
You don't need to apologize. They want to be helpful and if what they are doing is not helpful, they want to know! Praying for you each and every day.
Lisa in NC
Chrissy,
Just to offer some validation for your feelings
my aunt lost her 21 yr old daughter to anorexia, and for weeks afterwards she continued to recieve sympathy cards in the mail-she so appreciated them, but at the same time she was tired of getting them for all the reasons you stated-except she wasn't (understandably so) able to be as thoughtful as you have been in expressing it.
For the people who love you and are close to you it's difficult for them to feel so helpless, and not DO anything, but by them just giving you the space you need they are Doing.
I will be praying for you for time and space for healing and grieving-for God's comfort and healing, and for the people who love and are close to you during this time.
I love you Chrissy and am praying for you to have the space you so honestly ask for. Everyone goes through grief differently and you have expressed how you need to do this. Please know that my prayers continue for you daily and how I wish that Eva was right there in your arms, the best place. Praying for your whole family to get through this and for you all to hold strong to each other. I am so sorry that this time hurts more than I can ever imagine. May the Lord hold you close and gentle as you try to catch your breath.
Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.
U do come off harsh! Your mother is only trying to be there for you, thats sad that you chewed her out. Whats really sad is you CHOSE this road, u knew the outcome when she was diagnosed, look online this is not a curable disease eventually babies die. That might be hard to hear but its the truth. U brought it on yourself when u chose to cont with the pregnancy, u knew it would be a hard road. Your loved ones are being there for YOU u should NOT push them away, how rude!
I feel sorry for the anonymous writer above. And of course, they are "anonymous". Chrissy did not choose this road. She choose to have a baby and sadly her baby was sick. She choose to be the best mother she could be to this baby. Obviously Chrissy is a Christian and her faith told her that God would take the baby when He was ready. That was not during the pregnancy. He wanted them to spend time together. This situation would not be any easier, maybe harder not having met Eva, if she terminated this precious life. Everyone has a right to grieve in their own way. If these people truly love Chrissy they will be there when she is ready, whether that be a month or a year. Most of us do not know what this sense of loss is like and we therefore have no right telling her how to grieve and repsond to people.
Chrissy, babe, this is where the rubber meets the road. People like the cowardly one above who hides behind the label of "anonymous" sneak up on you. Whether they know it or not, they are doing satan's work. Don't let him win. Don't allow the bitterness to take root. Stand firm in all Eva came here to teach you. Focus on everything pure, everything beautiful... cling to very words of Phil. 4. Here are verses 6-13.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
Chrissy, I can promise you with everything in me that the person who took time out of their lives to hurt you while you're down has so many problems of their own. Choose, even when it hurts too much, to focus on the words of praise and support you receive. When you let hurtful lies like the ones above in, you let the enemy win. You have come too far, fought too hard, and you know too much because of Eva to stop or to fall back now.
You are right to request space. Whatever you need to heal, be it space or constant contact, to scream or to be silent, to weep or to sing... or even to ride your bicycle down the street in a polka dotted bikini... to heal is what you have to do.
Fight to keep those beautiful eyes on Your Maker, cling to Psalm 139, and remain determined to do whatever it takes to remain on the steady upward climb. There is no life apart from Christ. You did the right thing. You chose life for your child. Choose it - again and again and again - for your living children, your husband, and yourself.
I love you and I'm right beside you. Joy will come again.
I followed your link from Copeland's page and have been keeping up with you for several months now. You completely did the right thing in making it clear what is helpful to you right now. I wish more people would be so clear in their needs during difficult times in their lives. I continue to pray for you daily. The "anonymous" coward does not know what he or she is talking about and I pray you don't take any of those cruel words to heart. There will always be people who let their anger and bitterness seep into other people's lives...but oh, what a great God we serve who treasures your commitment to your precious child even though the road has been so hard. With much love here in MO...Amanda
To respond to what anonymous felt they must rudely say...first of all, Chrissy did NOT have a choice. God chose for Eva to be part of Chrissy's life. Chrissy will be forever changed from the few wonderful days she got to spend with Eva. Second of all, if you have a problem with how Chrissy grieves, why are reading the blog to begin with? The goal here is to support Chrissy and her family, not bring them down or make them feel guilty for things they choose to share with us. I support you Chrissy. Thank you for sharing your amazing story, emotions and all.
Praying for you in Alabama!
To the anonymous commenter-wow is all I can say-I've read many blogs, and read many comments, and there can always be one that is negative, but I've never read one such as this.
I will be praying for you-that God removes the bitterness from your heart and mind, and replaces it with compassion, empathy, and understanding, and He heals in your life whatever is broken. I'm thankful that the good Lord isn't judgmental, and is also a forgiving God. I sincerely mean that.
I can't believe you'd think a termination of her pregnancy would have been the answer for Chrissy so in that way she wouldn't have "brought it on herself." So that would have made it easier is what you are saying. Either way Chrissy's heart would still have been broken, but at least she CHOSE to carry her to term clinging desperately to the hopes she had for precious, beautiful, irreplaceable Eva! with one of them being that she would just be able to carry her until she was viable, and that she would be born alive, and by her CHOICE to leave it in God's hands and let God be in control of her precious baby's life she was able to know her, and was blessed with 5 precious days with her. Now, if she had chosen your way-she would not have what she has to hold onto during this time of deep, heartwrenching grief, and suffering, which she would have to endure whatever course of action she chose to take.
I am so thankful that God chose Chrissy to carry Eva and give her life. He knew He could trust her to make the right choice, no matter how much it hurts now. Life hurts, but God is always good and honors those who follow Him. Eva has blessed so many lives, and her story has just begun. She is a treasured gift from God.
Laurie in Ca.
REGARDING ANONYMOUS HOWRUDE.CHRISSY
KNEW IN HER HEART GOD GAVE EVA
BECAUSE OF HIS LOVE FOR HER.BABY
EVA IS A MIRACLE AND GAVE ARE
FAMILY GREAT JOY FOR 5 DAYS.NOW EVA
HAS A FAMILY ON EARTH AND IN HEVEN
THAT LOVE HER.
I AM CHRISSY,S MOTHER AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN SO PROUD OF HER. CHRISSY ASKED ME TO GIVE HER TIME
AND SPACE,I DID NOT RESPECT HER WISHES.I AM VERY SORRY,SWEET HEART AS CHRISSY REARKED WE HAVE NEVER BEEN CLOSE IT HURTS ME.I LOVE HER AND PRAY WE WILL HAVE BETTER RELATIONSHIP SOME TIME SOON. SO TAKE AS LONG AS YOU NEED.I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.YOU WILL ALWAS BE MY MIRACLE FROM GOD.AS FOR ALL OF YOU OUT THERE HELPING MY DAUGHTER,I THANKYOU.REGARDING ANONYMOUS YOUR COMENTS AND OPIONS OPION WERE NOT HELPFUL.YOU ARE THE RUDE ONE AND PROBLY DONT KNOW GOD. HE WILL FORGIVE YOU IF YOU MAKE AMENDS TO CHRISSY. RUTH
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