Is it normal?

It seems like each day only gets worse and not better. Last Tuesday during Eva's visitation I seemed to be doing so well. I am sure that everyone there was amazed at me smiling and able to speak and so calm. I came to the conclusion that that was because I must have known inside that I would be seeing her again on Wednesday for her service. Wednesday was a different story. It was so much harder knowing that I wouldn't see her again for likely a long long time. Not to mention how hard it was for me to see Dominic and Mya so upset.

Poor Mya...a sight I will never forget...We all met in the little chapel for a brief service. Then we preceded to Eva's grave site. I was able to carry her (closed casket) to her final resting place, which meant a lot to me. I carried her for 9 months and into this world and then carried her out, kind of sort of. We stood and watched as her body, in the casket, was placed into the ground and the grave was closed. Talk about closure, at least to us it was. And Mya...on her knees, face to the ground just sobbing. She told us to let her have some alone time w/ her sister. Oh how my heart broke all over again. She cried and cried hard, kissed the ground and took the time she needed. She stood up and walked towards us, got into the limo and was content. Something you never want to see...your daughter at your other daughters grave crying and declaring how she wants more time...

Let me back up a few...Tuesday's visitation was great. So many people have been touched by Eva's 5 brief days on this Earth and it was so obvious. Standing room only in the funeral home that day. Over 220 people paid a visit and their respect to a baby girl who most never met in person until then.

I have tried to upload the slide show w/out success but will continue to try.

I know some people were surprised to see our baby girl in an open casket. But please understand why we opted for this...we wanted to see her ourselves before making the decision as to open or closed. And when we saw how beautiful she was, tube free, needle free and tape free...to see her whole face and nose and lips was so much prettier than ever before that we wanted the world to see. She was still precious w/ all the tubes, needles and tape but the pics displaying that did her no justice. So we hope you understand our reasoning behind the decision to have it open. Regardless, if it were closed...you all knew what lied beneath. The tiny shoebox sized casket would have been just as hard to see...I am glad that all were able to see the beautiful, miracle of God and the peacefulness that came along w/ her.

So back to where we are today...

Everyone seems to be doing well. As we all know the world isn't going to stop for me...even though I really wish it would. The past two weeks went by too fast. I almost feel as if I am still pregnant. My daily routine hasn't even changed and I still have minor stomach discomfort. I stay in bed all day. Besides helping get the kids off to school, and I barley do that, I lay on my left side, hand on the mouse at the computer and remain there until I need to get up to go to the bathroom. At that time I get something to eat and drink, take a shower and put on clean pj's and climb back into bed. My motivation for the day...is getting out of bed to get the kids from daycare, hit the so conveniently located Dairy Queen, which we pass going to the cemetery (we've gone everyday)...all of which I do in my pj's. Today I even went into the grocery store in my pj's. I dread seeing those who knew I was pregnant. Those who are likely going to ask where the new baby is...like the phone call I got yesterday. The man on the other end said..."I just got word of your delivery...congratulations on your baby girl...what did you name her?"...(insurance company, I think...wanting to add Eva to my policy?) I proceed w/ the "my baby passed away"...He quickly blurted out something along the lines of being a blubbering fool and apologized for bothering me at this time and said goodbye. I lost it. Glad Vinnie was next to me to hold me...oh how horrible this is.

So as I sit here tonight feeling miserable I think these feelings are normal. Normal for both the postpartum blues as well as having no physical baby to show for it all. I am thankful and grateful to those who care and who call and are likely worried about me...but please...please understand that yes, it has been a week since we buried our daughter but I still need more time. Time to gather my thoughts and to take in all that has occurred w/in the past two weeks and two days. Believe it or not it still hasn't really even set in.