Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I have to be up at 5am to take my dad in for surgery. Some of you know because of my prayer request text, but my dad got hurt at work on Monday and it was pretty bad. He uses a band saw at work that is an inch and a half wide and twenty feet long. He was considering changing the blade that morning and for some reason (GOD) he didn't. Therefore, what could have been losing all his fingers turns out he took out the knuckle and a major tendon instead (thank you Jesus!). I prayed on my way to the ER and had my "warriors" praying too (prayers were answered). He went from 1st needing to be transferred from that hospital to another for immediate surgery to just being stitched up and discharged w/ the follow-up today. I took him to the appointment today which resulted in surgery scheduled for tomorrow morning (and all the pre-op stuff being handled in the facility we were at - so convenient).
So on that note...I was up early and out all day and am a little sleepy now, even w/ a nap after dinner. I plan to take the lap top w/ me tomorrow and blog it up while he is in surgery. If I can't get all the words out there I'll at least try to get the pics up and then add the words later. I know when I check on my blog friends I love to see something rather than nothing...pics will at least be added...unless I can't get service or in case any issues arise w/ his surgery.
I'll refrain from adding the pics of his hand...I took 2 while it was open and 2 after it was closed...you ask why I would do such? I wanted to be able to show my dad the damage done later in case the pain meds made him loopy (which they did) and he may have been in a state of shock too. Not to mention that it was a good thing that I took them because they came in handy today while seeing the surgeon. So again, I'll refrain from adding those cause I'm sure it would be difficult to clean vomit outta your keyboard! lol
Please pray for us, my dad as we go in tomorrow morning. Even though it is out patient you just never know. It is still surgery and still requires sedation. Possibly general anesthetic w/ a breathing tube. Please pray for the doctors and that all goes well.
I thought I'd need prayer for me being that I hadn't seen the hospital setting since leaving the maternity ward/NICU w/out Eva. Don't get me wrong, Monday was tough and tears were shed but I pulled it together before my dad came back from x-ray and have been doing well since. Today was a little rough just because I got irritated w/ the medical system and the lack of communication between personnel but I managed to get it all worked out...and the day went well thereafter.
Trying to get some sleep tonight since my schedule is not up to par these days. Be back tomorrow!
Monday, April 28, 2008
One after another!
So when I get my thoughts, words and pictures caught up to post on our past several days I will.
I get not so nice comments when I post my inner thoughts and feelings, then get so busy w/ fantastic days and only pop in to post quotes and/or emails...then get more not so nice comments.
Can't please everyone...and I do believe that my God is pleased w/ ME...why else would we be blessed w/ answered prayers and great days!
Thank you Lord for loving ME!
Friday, April 25, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Quote of the Day
"There is a sense of exhilaration that comes from facing head-on the hard truths and saying, 'We will never give up. We will never capitulate. It might take a long time, but we will find a way to prevail.'" – Jim Collins
This week's promise: The gift of salvation
Formed and reformed
I was appointed in ages past, at the very first, before the earth began.
Proverbs 8:23 NLT
Lord my God, You have formed and reformed me.
Sin and assurance
Our human pride often reverses the order of things. We think God came into our lives rather late. Our identity was firmly established, and then He invited Himself in, trying to woo us into a relationship with Him. We were in control of the heart that opened up to Him. Or so we thought.
In spite of our sense of independence, God has a prior claim on us. He created the world that became our necessary environment. He began the genetic process that eventually resulted in our birth. He even fashioned us in the womb (Jeremiah 1:5; Psalm 139:13). He is no late-coming Redeemer. He and His wisdom have been there all along.
This is extremely important to know when it seems as if your life is falling apart. It isn't. The life you have constructed may be falling apart, but the life God has fashioned is not. His wisdom has known all things before the foundations of the world— including you. If God has let you be undone, He has allowed it for a reason. He is bringing you to the end of your sinful self and to the beginning of life in His secure arms. God is bringing you home.
Do you realize how thoroughly rooted in eternity your life is? It was not an afterthought in the mind of a play-it-by-ear God. Did you think your sin was a surprise to Him? It wasn't. He has already made provision for it. Before the foundation of the world, He did at least two things: He brought forth His wisdom; and He thought of you (Ephesians 1:4). His wisdom and your existence went hand in hand. Does that boggle your mind? It should. Rest in the assurance of a forever-wise God.
Adapted from The One Year® Walk with God Devotional by Chris Tiegreen, Tyndale House Publishers (2004), entry for May 7. (THAT'S MY BIRTHDAY)
Content is derived from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation and other publications of Tyndale Publishing House
I met this guy while I was in Albuquerque and he has a motto he lives by everyday.
He said listen carefully and live by these 4 rules: drink, steal, swear, & lie.
I was shaking my head no, but he then told me to listen while he explained his four rules.
So here they are:
1. 'Drink' from the 'everlasting cup' every day.
2. 'Steal' a moment to help someone that is in worse shape than you are.
3. 'Swear' that you will be a better person today than yesterday.
4. And last, but not least, when you 'lie' down at night thank god you live in America and have freedom. And thank him for being a loving, forgiving God who promises eternal life with him!
I am not as good as I should be, I am not as good as I could be but thank God I am better than I used to be!
His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds him and leaves him alone.
He is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not remove the blindfold until the rays of the morning sunshine through it.
He cannot cry out for help to anyone.
Once he survives the night, he is a MAN.
He cannot tell the other boys of this experience, because each lad must come into manhood on his own.
The boy is naturally terrified.
He can hear all kinds of noises.
Wild beasts must surely be all around him.
Maybe even some human might do him harm.
The wind blew the grass and earth, and shook his stump, but he sat stoically, never removing the blindfold.
It would be the only way he could become a man!
Finally, after a horrific night the sun appeared and he removed his blindfold.
It was then that he discovered his father sitting on the stump next to him.
He had been at watch the entire night, protecting his son from harm.
We, too, are never alone.
Even when we don't know it, God is watching over us, sitting on the stump beside us.
When trouble comes, all we have to do is reach out to Him.
If you liked this story, pass it on.
If not, you took off your blindfold before dawn.
Moral of the story:
Just because you cannot see God, does not mean He is not there.
'For we walk by faith, not by sight.'
2. Learn to say no to unrealistic expectations. Confront them by “telling the truth in love.”
3.NEVER retaliate (Matthew 5:38-39). It only lowers you to their level.
4.Pray for them (Matthew 5:44). It will help both of you. Let God speak to them.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Krissy has left a new comment on your post "In the eyes of a child...Mya, that is...":
I hope you are not taking all of this out on Vinny. He is grieving too and you need to be sensitive to his feelings as well as your own. Lean on him, don't attack!
Posted by Krissy to EVA = life; living one... JANETTE = God is Gracious... at April 22, 2008 12:33 PM
Of all days anonymous found it necessary today...
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Are you kidding me?":
and what is wrong with telling her to consider that her husband has feelings too? she is not the only one suffering this loss! Get over it.
Posted by Anonymous to EVA = life; living one... JANETTE = God is Gracious... at April 23, 2008 12:16 PM
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Are you kidding me?":
I too agree, you act as if YOU are the ONLY one hurting, my gosh open up and see that your whole family is hurting, just because YOU carried her doesn't mean it hurts you more then him. I don't see anything WRONG with what she posted, jeeze girl GET OVER YOURSELF.
Posted by Anonymous to EVA = life; living one... JANETTE = God is Gracious... at April 23, 2008 7:52 PM
My question to everyone who visits this page is...why are you here?
This is a public journal of my life, my daughters life and my journey to meet her and thereafter. No where in the last sentence does it say anything about you. Meaning that I don't need to hear from you. I don't need your feedback.
The comments that are warm, comforting and uplifting have been and are more than welcome but those that come from the devil are not. A person of God would not say such things, to anyone. Especially to someone going through such heartache as I am.
20 Don't be gullible in regard to smooth-talking evil. Stay alert like this, and before you know it the God of peace will come down on Satan with both feet, stomping him into the dirt. Enjoy the best of Jesus!
This is MY blog. Not Vinnie's. Therefore, I share MY thoughts and MY feelings. I know how Vinnie feels. I should know him a little more than anyone of you reading this, shouldn't I?
I have never said anything about not being sensitive to his feelings. Nor have I said anything about me not leaning on him. Actually, we've been leaning on each other this entire time, but I don't have to justify any of that to anyone out there. Where did it come across that I was attacking him or anyone else in any way?
In the post prior to the first comment I simply asked for prayer. Prayer for God to continue carrying us through and to be sure that we are exactly where we are supposed to be. Where did that say that there was a problem? I said it was a difficult night. That could have meant many of things.
Why would anyone assume that I am taking anything out on Vinnie? Why would anyone assume that I have the energy to attack these days? Better yet, why would anyone assume that I even would...ever...attack him or anyone else?
When people comment like this it makes me think that this person knows me...knows us...to think they have such right to say anything of the sort. But then I have to think that someone that knows me, knows us...wouldn't be such a coward and would let themselves be known. Not to mention how you'd think that those who "know" would know how to spell our names...(Vinnie)!
No one knows the situation that I was asking for prayer for (that's why it was mentioned as unforeseen). Again, those out there could only assume that there was an issue between us...it could have been and might still be something that we are both going thru together...not against each other.
I never said that I was the only one hurting (if I did please show me where) but this is a blog about ME and MY feelings. Not really about anyone elses. I know my family's pain - believe you me. I know their feelings. I see my family every day...do you?
Those who have walked this path know...that as a MOTHER we grieve so differently than the fathers. Yes, we carried these children...therefore we have a different, stronger bond between them than the father ever will especially because these babies were here for such a short time and chances are WE as their MOTHER's spent more time w/ them than anyone else. The hurt may be similar but I can honestly say, and Vinnie agrees, that it is not the same. And as a MOTHER - of 3 - I do hurt more over losing Eva than anyone else ever has and ever will and that is completely normal and how it should be, ask around...
I could adjust my blog to weed out all of the crude comments by not allowing anonymous to put in their two cents but I shouldn't have to change my ways for someone on the outside.
29 Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God's favor) to those who hear it.
But what I can do is forgive you and PRAY. Pray for the individuals that do not know God as their Personal Saviour. Pray for those who are troubled and struggling...maybe even more than I am right now. Maybe they are here for a reason. Maybe they were brought here by God so that He can be seen through me.
Vinnie re-read this before I posted it. He didn't want me to even bother responding at first but now has given me a high five and said how proud he is of me and held me in his arms w/ an incredible hug. He said that if this was happening 8 years ago when I was pregnant w/ Mya that I would have never approached this situation (anonymous comments) like I have today. And my "big sis" Dawn, had commented the last time this happened w/ the comment regarding my Mom...saying the same thing. Years ago when my relationship w/ God was much less than what it is now...I would not have been sitting here as I am now. I likely would have let the devil get the best of me and attacked the attacker. Nope, not now. I will attack in a different way. A better way. The way that God would want me to...
So from now on, I will be praying for you, anonymous commenter(s)...
AND this will be the last time I acknowledge the coward...
Father, Your Word says unforgiveness will stop my prayers from being answered and give the enemy a place in my life. Your Word also says that if I do not forgive others, neither will You forgive me for the wrong things I have said and done. Right now, in the name of Jesus, I forgive those who have hurt me, cursed me, used me, condemned me or come against me in any way. I forgive them and set my will to forget those things. I ask that You, in Your mercy and compassion, forgive them as well. I thank You, Father, for Your forgiveness and Your mercy, and I praise Your glorious Name.
I have on the Armor of God. I am fully dressed in His protection and stand complete in Him expecting victory over every attack from the devil. As I put His word before Him w/ prayer and thanksgiving, His Words have opportunity to work and perform as He promised!
You who sit down in the High God's presence,
spend the night in Shaddai's shadow,
Say this: "God, you're my refuge.
I trust in you and I'm safe!"
That's right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you— </EM>
under them you're perfectly safe;
his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
ot disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You'll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God's your refuge,
the High God your very own home,
Evil can't get close to you,
arm can't get through the door.
He ordered his angels
to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they'll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You'll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.
If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble.
'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"
***More to come on how we celebrated Eva's first month in Heaven***
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
I had gone shopping (alone which is always nice) and then had a doctors appointment (my incision became very painful on Sunday and into yesterday so I gave in and called the office - I was trying to wait until my 6 week check-up next Thursday).
At the store the cashier (I made a return first) noticed my new necklace immediately! I'm loving it! And she loved it too!
At the doctors office many noticed the necklace right away. Everyone was thrilled that someone I never even met had made such a wonderful treasure for me! Thank you again Heather for making it and Kenzie for giving my address!
My incision is fine...perfect so they say...(not perfect if you ask me...still sore to touch and press on and it appears they made the first cut...then realized they needed a little more room for my big baby Eva to fit thru so they cut a little more on the one side...so it is so no even!) But I love my incision! I love my permanent scar for my baby girl that I did any and everything for to make it into this world safely. And she did! All 4 pounds, 11 ounces and 18 inches of her!
Just a reminder pic of my precious little one!
I had to have an ultrasound (at the doctors today) of my incision to see the layers to make sure there was no fluid or bleeding underneath. The doc figured all was well but wanted to be safe than sorry. Fine by me. Although it wasn't easy seeing an empty uterus! :'(
Pictures from today...
Eva's dandelions all dried up...
Dominic trying to fix them...he did the E and gave up...lol - wonder if that position hurt his wrist?
As Dominic calls it...we were chillaxin w/ Eva...
Haha...yep, me smiling...is this the first pic of me actually looking at the camera? Wow, it's been a while! (that would be Mya's shoe to the right...yep, she was running through the cemetery in her socks! It's okay though...they were Barbie socks that said Monday on them (yes, it's Tuesday) and they were on the wrong feet. The Barbie faces were on the insides. There was no school today, so that explains it. And dad was w/ her since I was out...go figure)!
Chillaxin some more...
I did...we did...plenty of laughing out load today. My kids (Vin, Dom, Mya - I think I'll just claim four from now on) ran around the cemetery like dorks today. Jumping, falling, laughing, screaming...you name it they were doing it. They had fun. I just sat and watched...and yes, I was cracking up. So embarrassing! I hope no one was watching (besides those Above - and I'm sure they got a kick out of it)!
I'll just wait to hear back from you...
Monday, April 21, 2008
I just thought I'd share.
These are the babies who are probably playing with EVA! Molly, Eliot, Claire, Isaac, Madeline, Miller, Walker, Copeland, Poppy Joy, Mary, Asher, Maddox, Larson, Joshua, Tristan, Isabella, Jonathan. Done
(I showed her how to spell check!)
As for me..and today...it's been a rough one. I just said to my Aunt last night that maybe it all hasn't hit me quite yet. Is that possible? I told my dad the same thing yesterday. This all just seems like a story. Something that I read...something that I keep telling people over and over again...but just a story. Not really my life. Even standing or sitting at the cemetery doesn't seem real anymore. I told Vinnie that today. What the heck is going on? Is this just my way of dealing w/ it all? Or my way of coping w/ life that is still going on all around me?
I cried most of the day..and slept the other part. I was up early and went to Muffins w/ Mom at Mya's school. So nice to be off of work to be able to do these things. This is where the crying began. I saw Dominic's first grade teacher and got her attention to say hello. She hugged me and cried w/ me...I know that most in the school "know" but wasn't sure who all "knew" and "what" they know. Came to realize that she sells Tastefully Simple on the team that I am/was on...(I am still a consultant but have been slacking since getting pregnant w/ Eva...all of the TS food made me gag during my morning, afternoon and evening sickness - so funny to type that because I would give anything in the world to feel that sickness again). My team leader had been keeping the team updated w/ my emails, which included the blog. Dominic's teacher had been following our journey. So as I said this is where the tears began...and it is okay...because I need to shed those tears sometimes.
I walked Mya to her class and stayed a few minutes in the hall talking to her teacher. Mya's teacher had her daughter w/ her because her babysitter w/ at the Muffins for Mom who was coming down the hall to get her at that moment. Mya's teacher handed off her daughter to the sitter (who was off to T o y' s R U s - she spelled it so her son and the daughter didn't hear where they were going) and she went w/out blinking an eye...A few seconds later Mya's teacher got teary eyed as she watched the sitter walk away and down the hall w/ her little girl and she commented how hard it was to watch her baby girl (she's almost 2) leaving w/ someone else...she said "that's mine and it's just hard".
Right away it hit me, but I didn't say it out loud...try watching someone (a nurse) walk away w/ your baby girl to take her to the morgue to attach a toe tag (which was in Eva's blankets that the funeral home gave us back) and await for the funereal home to come and get her...a lifeless body that can't even wave or smile a simple goodbye...a baby girl that you won't see later that day when you get off of work. Try doing that...It's horrible...it sucks...really bad. So naturally I cried the whole ride home to get Vinnie.
In between the school function and the store we went to the tombstone place to again look at and discuss Eva's stone...another hard task. I feel like I HAVE to do it soon but also feel like it's the final step in the process and I just don't want to finish the process yet...although I know this will never be over but I still feel like I'm taking care of Eva when there is something left that needs done for HER. (might be why the thank you's are still sitting here...)
Then at the grocery store I called two family members to ask if they needed anything. Both made the same comments that I may have been able to answer very easily...but today, no...I got upset, angry w/ their questions...not that they should have or would have known the answer but I guess I just didn't realize that nor think about it, I just cried instead...in the middle of the milk isle in Giant Eagle.
Next stop was Get-Go cause the big GE store didn't have the gift cards that I needed (I never pass up the chance to buy a gift card to get the points towards the $3.49 per gallon of gas - for a van that takes over $70 to fill). I handed the cashier my keys w/ my advantage card attached as well as my photo key chains of "all" of my children...
And tonight...tonight is just another story. And I'm sorry but I just don't want to share that part but please know that is has been a horrible night...I mean bad. For me...for me and Vinnie...and I am struggling w/ it all tremendosly.
Please pray for the unforeseen issues in my life...in our lives...in our home. Please pray w/ me that we are ALL exactly where we are supposed to be and that God will continue to carry US through.
I thank you all who are still reading and praying for us. I am sorry to mention the few teachers today (I didn't list names and don't mean any harm by mentioning you). Please take no offence to anything I have said as it is not meant in a bad way at all. I promise!
Saturday, April 19, 2008
What is "The Room"? Well, there's a good chance it's been emailed to you at one time or another in one of those forwarded emails that clog your inbox. It was originally published in New Attitude magazine in 1995, and then reprinted in my book I Kissed Dating Goodbye in 1997. At some point, it began making it's way around the Internet as well.
"The Room" is a dream I had while visiting Puerto Rico for a Billy Graham crusade when I was 19. People often ask if I really had the dream, and the answer is yes. I woke up deeply shaken, grabbed my computer, and began to type.
The dream became an article, and the premise was this: What if there were a room of files that cataloged your every thought and action? Could you bear to review them? "The Room" touches on the universal themes of guilt and redemption. How does a man find forgiveness for the wrongs he's committed or for the good he's left undone? Is our past something we can leave behind or forget? How can any of us know true forgiveness from a God who is holy and just?
"The Room" points to our need for a Savior who can rescue us from the punishment our sins deserve. Jesus Christ is that Savior. And "The Room" is a story that helps explain what he accomplished when he died on the cross for the sins of the world. I hope that reading it will point you to the Savior who died for you.
Read "The Room"
I did my homework Anonymous! Thanks for the info!
But really...it's not like I posted it and said...look what I wrote!
Apparently there's been many issues w/ who wrote this...read about them here...Authorship Controversy
If I like it...I re-post or forward it...
If I don't, I won't...
So w/ that said please see the comment below and make note of it before or after reading the "A TEENAGER'S VIEW OF HEAVEN" post from earlier today. Thanks!
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "A TEENAGER'S VIEW OF HEAVEN":
I hate to have to tell you this, but that was actually written by a well known author names Joshua Harris. It was a dream he had and put it in one of the books he wrote, and called it the "room". I have seen this come across email and have been saddened by the lie of "Brian" or who ever wrote it.
I personally am friends with Joshua Harris, and I am sure he would like to clarify that this was his work if you had questions. He is a pastor now in Maryland. His website is joshharris.com.Be blessed!
After losing Eva I now have so much more of a reason for wanting to do nothing more than to please God, my Heavenly Father. I now have such a desire to make it to Heaven and have less fear of dying. I now want more than anything to strengthen my relationship w/ Him and to learn more about His word and the truth behind it. I want to share Him w/ others and to know that my friends and family will be joining me, someday, in that Great Place that my baby girl now calls Home.
Therefore, I share this email that was sent to me...Please take the time to read it. I know it appears to be long...I said the same thing after scrolling down to see its length...but it really isn't long at all. It is great! Please read!
A TEENAGER'S VIEW OF HEAVEN
17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write something for a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. "I wowed' em," he later told his father, Bruce. "It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing I ever wrote.." It also was the last.
Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car went off Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and was electrocuted.
The Moore's framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among the family portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it," Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share their son's vision of life after death. "I'm happy for Brian. I know he's in heaven. I know I'll see him."
Brian's Essay: The Room...
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read"Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards.I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was.
This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.
A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness:"Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents.
Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting.Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out t he file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content.
I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh.
And then I saw it.. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it seemed newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on m y knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. Noon e must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him.
No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own.
He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files.Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side.
He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Phil. 4:13 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." If you feel the same way forward it so the love of Jesus will touch their lives also. My "People I shared the gospel with" file just got bigger, how about yours?
IF THERE IS ONE EMAIL THAT I HAVE READ THAT NEEDS TO GO AROUND THE WORLD, IT IS THIS ONE, FOR THE CHRISTIAN OR NOT! MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL!
You don't have to share this with anybody, no one will know whether you did or not, but what do you feel in your heart?
Having read this put yourself in the place of this boy and consider what would be in your room.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
It doesn't seem like it's even been that long.
So much has happened and it seems as if time has just stood still.
But at the same time it seems like the world has just been spinning super fast and outta control...
How is that?
I miss her so much. I wish she were here. With me, with us...
At one month, if she were still here, would we even have noticed that it was a month today?
Or would we have just been so busy w/ a newborn that we would have never been counting the days as I am now...
So strange to feel so empty handed but w/ a heart so full of love for a tiny little being.
So happy to have had the 5 days, 18 hours and 10 minutes...
So thankful that it was nothing less...
So sad that it was nothing more...
So small, so sweet, so soon...
Oh how I miss my baby girl today.
I love you Eva more than you could ever imagine and I miss you just as much!
I miss you Eva more than you could ever imagine and I love you just as much!
I will see you again baby girl...sooner than later, I hope!
In His Time...baby girl...not mine!
Mommy loves you...WE ALL LOVE YOU!
Her name has been chosen (Tuesday, November 6, 2007)
EVA = life; living one...
JANETTE = God is Gracious...
And after Vinnie's Mom Janet and his friend EJ
(both of which he lost several years ago)...
Also mentioned in this post too! (copied and pasted below)
(Saturday the 22nd marks 18 years since Vinnie's Mom passed. Eva's middle name is Janette because of her grandma Janet waiting in Heaver for her...making Eva's initials EJ for Vinnie's best friend EJ who passed at the mere age of 18. Are these coincidences? 18 and 18? Will grandma Janet be waiting Saturday w/ open arms to hold her granddaughter? The first of her four grandchildren that she will meet?)
The following was brought to my attention today:
EJ was life-flighted to this hospital cause him mom worked here and wanted him here...this is where he passed.
Eva weighed 4lbs 11ozs, EJ's favorite song was "411"...AND...
Eva's Neonatologist said today (called me on her day off) that Eva has TRISOMY 18... Hmmm...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
AND...I also came to the conclusion (yesterday - 4/15/08) that Eva was 18 inches long!
Call me a moron but I am always looking so deep into EVERYTHING!
Janet was born on the 12th and EJ on the 21st.
Janet passed away on the 22nd, Eva on the 23rd and EJ on the 24th...
I know...it means nothing...but I found it interesting...
We purchased this brown bear at my first 3D/4D ultrasound appointment back in December.
Now this was no ordinary bear. This bear has a device inside...something very special...it has a heartbeat...and not just any heartbeat...it has my baby girl's heartbeat.
Yep, that's right...it has Eva's heartbeat inside.
So at those times when my mind and my heart want to go back to those pregnant days w/ my baby girl safely inside of me...I can give the bear a little squeeze.
I used to listen to her heartbeat so very often, it was always so reassuring when she was a little less active or when Mya would ask to hear it...we would sit together and use the doppler that I had purchased off of Ebay (then Dom and Mya would insist they didn't have hearts cause they couldn't hear it...silly kids, they didn't realize that they needed the gel)!
Everyone, including doctors, would laugh when I would tell them that I bought my own doppler...what was so funny? I bought it before I knew there was even anything wrong. I guess I just had that feeling...that I would need something to reassure me, daily, that I was indeed pregnant. I hated to have to wait 4 weeks to go back to appointments to hear the heartbeat...so I bought my own doppler. And oh how happy I am that I did. And now I have it and can use it again somewhere later on in life.
So anyways, back to my bear...I wanted to wait to share the details on him until I got the sweater in the mail. I obviously had to wait till Eva was born to order it.
Oh how precious it is! It is such a heavy material and not some cheap stuff. I love it! I wish I had a bear for Dominic and Mya too. What a keep sake especially due to the circumstances.
Eva's heart can still be heard and felt even though there is some distance between us...
I love you baby girl!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
We miss Eva more than anyone could ever imagine and we love her just as much. But we are doing pretty good. We talk about her w/ everyone, and I mean others out there in the world, family and friends...as well as perfect strangers. Her legacy lives on! It will never die. I won't let it!
We had a great day. Soccer for Mya...Football for Dominic. Cemetery w/ my mom...Dinner w/ family and friends...then a late night spent w/ those same family and friends...and yes, we just got home. We had a great day. I love those people. The ones that mean the most...the ones that truly care...and the ones that I couldn't live w/out. I don't just say this cause I know their reading (tee hee)...I say this because it's true. The ones that allow me to talk freely about my baby girl who is still and always will be a part of our family. The ones that listen, even when it's hard to hear. The ones that will talk about her too...cry w/ me if I want to cry, laugh w/ me if I want to laugh and eat w/ me if I just wanna eat! I love you guys!
Don't get me wrong the empty arms still hurt. So many things during each day make me think of Eva...and tears are still shed but I am doing very well. God has truly blessed me more than words could describe and I am thankful. God knew the desires of my heart and knew exactly what I needed and gave me above and beyond. I know this. And God still knows the desires of my heart and I know that in time, in His time, all will be fulfilled. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus for giving Eva to me.
Praying for the strength to make it today, through each and everyday as I have thus far. Praying!
Friday, April 11, 2008
I have my camera on me every where I go, including the cemetery. I take at least 2 pictures of "my baby girl" each and every day. And some of the sky and/or whatever else seems worthy of a pic... it's okay...you can call me crazy.
So w/ that said...
Eva's Easter Egg has been Eaten!
(try saying that over and over 5 times in a row)
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
Friday, March 28th, 2008
(the rain took the egg from blue to white - and something ate Eva's roses!)
Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 (one week - the egg is still there)
Wednesday, April 9th, 2008 (two weeks - the egg is still there)
Thursday, April 10th, 2008 (something ate the egg)
Thursday, April 10th, 2008 (and shelled it pretty nicely too)
Poor animal probably had diarrhea all over the cemetery that night...cause that egg was OLD!
Mya colored that Easter Egg at Aunt Barbie's house and brought it in to Eva at the hospital that Saturday night (March 22nd, 2008) before Easter.
It had Eva's name on it...
I left it at the cemetery on Wednesday, March 26th, 2008 - the day Eva was buried.