I have to say that today has been a better day. I was able to get out to Mya's soccer game and to do a few other things out amongst the world and I have to say it felt okay. Even if it was just going to the YMCA to sign Dominic up for flag football or to go to Walgreen's to pick up more pictures of my precious Eva or to Arby's for fast food...it still felt better to feel the air on my face than to have my face smashed against my pillow all day.
After Mya's game I left the field by myself w/ all intentions on stopping the few places and then working my way to the cemetery. I have yet to make it there today. I will, later...I just figured I'd wait since I wasn't sure if it would upset me or not and I was "up" for the most part so I'll try and stay "up" as long as I can.
Then...I come to check my email. I love to see a full mailbox w/ the comment notifications from people who care. As I mentioned in previous posts...I need my space. Yes, this is true but I also said that it's okay for people to email, text or even comment on my blog to express themselves and to let us know that they are still reading and still thinking about us and still praying for us. Just because Eva has been born and died doesn't mean that our journey ends there. It is like the next chapter has just begun. What I don't want it the continued phone calls and the random "pop" ins...I'm just not up for that quite yet, then again I never really am into that anyways.
So w/ that said...I read the following comment from the ever so kind anonymous coward...
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "So tired...":
U do come off harsh! Your mother is only trying to be there for you, thats sad that you chewed her out. Whats really sad is you CHOSE this road, u knew the outcome when she was diagnosed, look online this is not a curable disease eventually babies die. That might be hard to hear but its the truth. U brought it on yourself when u chose to cont with the pregnancy, u knew it would be a hard road. Your loved ones are being there for YOU u should NOT push them away, how rude!
Posted by Anonymous to EVA = life; living one... JANETTE = God is Gracious... at April 5, 2008 2:02 PM
I have to say for a brief moment the devil tried to sneak in. And I say brief cause I mean brief. But then my God allowed me to quickly feel that peace that I felt throughout the day. I will not let you, whoever you are, bring me down...not today...not ever. And you are nothing but a coward who couldn't let yourself be known. It's okay. That is why the world is the way it is. Because of people like you. But because of God...there are people like me and the others who have made up for your ignorant words by commenting after you and about what you had said.
Those who know me and know my Mom know that we are not close. And know that on a regular basis, pregnant w/ Eva or not, losing Eva or not...that I have always kept my distance. So now is really no different. I have just expressed it more now than ever to EVERYONE, not just my Mom, to give me some time...I wasn't rude to my Mother on the phone yesterday nor did I chew her out...I just simply expressed how I know that Eva is in a better place but hearing those words doesn't help make it all better...nor do I want to hear those words. I just want to be left alone until I'm ready to face the world. It might take me a day, a week, a month or a year...NO ONE can force me to do anything that I am not willing or wanting or able to do.
So as for pushing people away...those who love me...I'm not. I am simply asking for a little respect during that hardest days of my life. This is not too much to ask for. I knew this wasn't an easy path to choose. I did my research. But I will tell the coward and the world that I would do it all over again...and again...and again...and again. If I by chance am blessed by God and become pregnant again...and if I am ever so bless to be hand chosen by God to once again be the mommy to another special baby I will do it all over again! I promise! NO ONE could tell me back on that Friday morning, September 28th, 2008 that Eva was going to live 5 days, 18 hours and 10 minutes...NO ONE! And I wouldn't change the last 6 months and 8 days of my life for anything!
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23 comments:
What a good Mommy you are! Enough said.
What a rude comment by anonymous. And you are right, very cowardly! I am glad your day started off better and sorry someone said such hurtful things. I know you are not regretting any of your decisions and it is not for anyone to judge unless they have walked in your shoes. I think of you each day. Hang in there.
Mandy
GA
www.madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com
wow good for you that you left their post and didnt delete it so that we could respond to them. how dare they judge you. they are not walking in your shoes. they do not know what they would do if they were in this situation. no one does. i am sorry that you had to read that. you hang in there and keep doing what you are doing. get mad, cry, lash out, yell. whatever it takes bc no one knows how you feel and it will take whatever it takes for you to get through each day.
It is because of you that Eva has had such a big impact on so many people. You made a very difficult decision (any decision regarding Eva is difficult). I am so proud of how you have shared your feelings with us. Please feel my arms around you as you treck through this very difficult journey in life. I want to congratulate you on the birth of your beautiful baby girl and please accept my deepest sympathy in the loss her also. She has had such an impact on me and I have never met you or your family, God Bless.
Good for you. Do exactly what you need to do ... Eva is loving you from above even though there are some down here that do not know how to. Blessing to you and your family.
chrissy, you are SO strong! even when your head is smashed against the pillow! your strength (we can read it in your posts) will get you through this. IT TAKES TIME!! continue to enjoy the brief moments of joy and let others pray for you when you are in the dark times. you remind me of my daughter - please check her blog out - she is as open and honest as you and a strong believer as well! a combination many can't grasp! i love you from afar and am praying for you. jan
I have been following your blog for awile. I sad good-bye to my son on January 22nd of this year. We had 23 hours with him and it was wonderful and sad at the same time. I am so sorry for the comment you recieved. You choose the right path and let God decide the length of Eva's life rather then you. Eva has a story you can tell. I know I don't know you and this may seem crazy, but I am so proud of you. I know you have learned so much from your sweet Eva. This path is so difficult, but God is faithful and He will walk with us. You are in my prayers.
Chrissy, I don't think I've commented on here yet, but decided to finally tell you what I've been thinking for awhile now. For the past months as I've watched you courageously and authentically journey through all of this, I've always thought of you as this great uniter of folks. You do that by listing and praying for all the families going through similar journeys, and keeping us up to date with everything. To me, that's a good example of servant leadership in a way.
And then, when Eva went to live with Jesus, I watched you share your heart and be so honest and unafraid to say what you thought and felt. It is obvious to me that you believe in a big God who can handle all of our questions, all of our pain, anger, and whatever we wrestle with in times of anguish and grief. Such authenticity is a rare trait, and I really admire you for being real. We need that in our world.
I'm sorry that an anonymous person couldn't see what I see, and that they could be so cruel. You have honored God in your choices, and you continue to do so, even in your greatest pain. The beauty of your faith shines through, even as you grieve and wrestle with your pain. I am so sorry that Eva is not in your arms today. This world is NOT as it should be. But along with you, I too hope for a day when all will be made right, and we will be reunited with our families once again.
Until then, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
~ Sara from Canada
Chrissy,
Praying for you, glad you've had a good day. You are such an inspiration!!
Some people just don't get it!!! They are missing out on so much...how sad!
Love ya!
Alicia
Chrissy,
I don't think I've commented on here before, but I have checked your blog daily for the past several months. You have been in my thoughts and prayers and my heart has been aching for you and your precious family. It is heartbreaking to see that in a wonderful world where complete strangers, such as you and I, can learn about one another and PRAY for one another, over the internet, that someone has to come and make what has bound to be one of the hardest things one could ever face, and make it worse. I am so sorry that someone was so heartless that they felt a need to add more to your pain. I pray you will find peace and comfort in the Lord's loving arms tonight. I pray that you will find joy in the pictures you picked up today when you look at your beautiful little Eva. She is whole now and she is looking down on you loving you just as much as you love her-I'm certain of it. MUCH love and prayer, Jenny
I am proud of you Chrissy. I have not commented before, but have been reading and praying for a very long time. Some people think they have the right to say anything they choose, and you were right to stand up to this person. NOT ONE of us understand what you are going through that has not gone through it, and every person who loses a child in any way handles it differently and THAT"S OK. Grief is a very strange thing that does not have a script. You grieve however you choose, and you have the right to have your space or disagree with your mom and to be angry at God (or not). It's your choice. And, not continuing your pregnacy would not have made this road easier...God chose the number of your sweet baby's days, exactly as it should be. While you will never know the full impact of her life on this world until you get to heaven, she IS having an impact, far more than if you had not continued with your pregnancy in spite of her diagnosis. Sorry this is long, but I am so proud of you for the strength you are showing! So many of us are praying for you to grieve this well, for your emotioinal and spiritual health that is so very important. Blessings on your sweet family tonight.
Amy
Chrissy~I'm so sorry you have to endure such comments during this season in your life, but you've got all of this other wonderful support here to counteract that one, and you are so strong even in your heartbreak.
Eva's guardian angel also watches over you, and protects you;)
love you!
Hi. I am also one that has never commented on your blog. I found it through other blogs. I have read your story for many weeks now. I have been touched by your story and your strength in our Big God!! Thank you for choosing life!! I know there are others that would not, but I am thankful to hear your story, and your choice for life!!
I see God weaving His hands through your life. It is just like a tapestry. On one side it looks really messy, and not easy to see what the whole picture is, then you turn it over and it is beautiful. God is leaving his print all through your life, and you are a tapestry to us on this side. I know it may look messy and uncertail to you, but to us your life is beautiful, and I totally see God all through it! You are a blessing!!!! Thanks for your honesty and most of all your faith and love for God, and making Him known to others!!!
I have been praying for you, and will cont. to do so! Know you are thought of often, and prayed for! May God continue to bless your family richly!
Blessings
Amy M.
http://moorefam7.terapad.com
After reading your post with the copy of what the 'annonymous coward' had to say... my mouth dropped open... I could hardly believe what I was reading... You only deserve praise for the decisions you have made. Hang in there! Sheila, NV
Chrissy,
I am astounded that someone had the nerve to post such a thing to a grieving mother but obviously that person needs prayer. No one can understand the pain you are going through and we all grieve differently and no one has the right to tell you what you should do.
You have been an incredible mommy and I am so proud to know you. Choosing life may not have been the easy road but imagine the love and blessing you would have missed out on. You and I both know God makes NO mistakes. Eva was certainly created by our Heavenly Father and ordained for a purpose greater than we can even imagine. He trusted her to you and Vinnie because he knew you would be the best parents for sweet Eva. You were CHOSEN! My life is richer for "knowing" your family. I love you Chrissy!
You know, what's so cool, is that even though anon. left the message he/she left, it's really kind of a compliment to you and the courageous choice you made to carry Eva to term!! You got to experience carrying another sweet baby in your womb, feeling each kick and hiccup...you got to hold her and kiss her and smell her sweet smell...she got to meet you and her daddy and brother and sister....she got to impact not only your family, but SO many of us out here that have never met you or your family. God had a great plan for that little baby girl, and it's exciting to see where that will lead! I have been so blessed by your blog, and your "real-ness". Losing a child is, I think, the hardest thing a mama could do, but you have shared your heart and your life with us all. Thank you, dear friend for that. Kudos to you, and may God just continue to richly bless you and your dear family!!!
Love, from the Kings in Vancouver, WA.
Chrissy,
I can't believe that someone would leave that message. I have several 4 letter words for the coward, but that would be sinking beneath you and Eva's journey. Once again, you have taken something painful and pulled yourself up. You may not feel it now, but you are an inspiration.
Mandy Rose
You are an inspiration. A great Christian woman!
Chrissy,
Im in shock that someone could do that.
I am sorry that happend.
Praying for you daily!!!!!
Thinking of you often.
Chrissy,
OH HOW I HOPE YOU COME BACK TO READ THIS:) There are some people who obviously go out looking for folks with hands full of hard times and then attack. Its happened to me and many bloggers that I know. The ONLY thing I can tell you is that they must have some horrible existance to where they think it is funny or some how self-seving to have such hurtfull and hatefull words to offer. Ill give you a super quick rundown 1. im facing a masectomy at the young age of 38 (i have 3 small kids). 2. I have a husband who has a cronic illness that is not compleatly diagnosed and has missed about 6mo. of work in the last 1.5 years. I laid in bed rest for over 20 weeks and had medical bills out of this world a lil over 1.5 years ago. and I wont even continue to comment on the issues that life has brought our way. OH yeah one more detail I have struggled with smoking for years always quit for pregnancy and nursing but ALWAYS went back (PTL NOW HAVE QUIT 4 GOOD)! So SOME HOW I got prob. the same lost soul that you got who laughed that I was going to die from breast cancer cause im to weak to quit smoking and that my kids will forever hate me for it and I deserve it ALL. Nice huh:) I simply commited to pray for this person cause I know in my heart they could not possibly know the Lord, even if they were an 11 yr. old boy being silly. I DID how ever turn on my moderator and guess what IT ALL ENDED. As soon as they saw that they were not going to be seen at all they gave up on me:) I do still pray for that person cause one thing for sure they have a boldness that the Lord could certainly use for good. You sound like your in a good place to let it go and im sorry you even had to be confronted with hate that way. If I were you I would certainly turn on your moderator it helps:)
Blessings, & if your "coward" is reading know that I am praying for you too...although you may not like the way the Lord will deal with you.
Melissa
Chrissy - I've been out of town and away from my computer for a few days. Just now read the anonymous post that criticized your decision to carry Eva to term, knowing that she had a terminal diagnosis.
I am absolutely appalled that someone would have the nerve to write this on your blog. If someone truly feels this way (and I know there are many lost souls in the world who do not value life and cannot possibly understand why a woman would make the courageous decision that you did), they need to go somewhere else.
Chrissy, you are an amazing example of courage and faith, and I pray that your family's story will help other moms of special babies make the right choice. God is the giver of all life, and only He should be the one to decide when it ends.
I'm so sorry for the pain you feel and for the loss of your baby that you've suffered. But more than anything, I'm sorry for the idiocy of people who feel they have to spew hurtful opinions.
Continuing to pray for you ...
Hello, I have been reading your blog and could not believe that person said such horrible things. Yes, you knew the inevitable outcome of this disease. But PRAISE GOD you chose to continue on! You allowed Eva LIFE for those few precious days after she was born, but also for the whole time she was within you! My husband and I are pregnant with our first baby, due in August. I cannot imagine what you have been through and come through, but I know that God is walking you through it. He gave you a strong enough heart to keep going and He promises to continue doing just that. You are MUCH braver and stronger than that anonymous person seems to think you are, and you have every right to be cross once in awhile, be sad once in awhile, hurt once in awhile, and cry once in awhile. You will continue to get stronger with God's help and our prayers!
love and strength sent your way.
I've read your blog on many occasions and haven't commented until reading this one. I don't know why I didn't comment before, as I have definitely been touched by your journey.
However, I just have to say that I am so sorry you had to read that from the person who couldn't even put their name on their words. I sometimes forget how there really are some mean people in this world. But, please take heart...your story and your sweet Eva is touching lives for God's glory. Thank you for continuing to share even when having to face comments that aren't encouraging.
Grief is different for everyone. Don't feel guilty at all for needing your space. Noone can know what you are truly feeling unless they've been in your shoes. I will pray for you today and continue to pray for your family as you go through this period of extreme emotions.
Blessings,
Melissa
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