This is what Mya typed on her computer tonight...and then tapped me on the shoulder and whispered..."I hope you read that" and pointed to her PC.
I just thought I'd share.
These are the babies who are probably playing with EVA! Molly, Eliot, Claire, Isaac, Madeline, Miller, Walker, Copeland, Poppy Joy, Mary, Asher, Maddox, Larson, Joshua, Tristan, Isabella, Jonathan. Done
Love,Mya
(I showed her how to spell check!)
As for me..and today...it's been a rough one. I just said to my Aunt last night that maybe it all hasn't hit me quite yet. Is that possible? I told my dad the same thing yesterday. This all just seems like a story. Something that I read...something that I keep telling people over and over again...but just a story. Not really my life. Even standing or sitting at the cemetery doesn't seem real anymore. I told Vinnie that today. What the heck is going on? Is this just my way of dealing w/ it all? Or my way of coping w/ life that is still going on all around me?
I cried most of the day..and slept the other part. I was up early and went to Muffins w/ Mom at Mya's school. So nice to be off of work to be able to do these things. This is where the crying began. I saw Dominic's first grade teacher and got her attention to say hello. She hugged me and cried w/ me...I know that most in the school "know" but wasn't sure who all "knew" and "what" they know. Came to realize that she sells Tastefully Simple on the team that I am/was on...(I am still a consultant but have been slacking since getting pregnant w/ Eva...all of the TS food made me gag during my morning, afternoon and evening sickness - so funny to type that because I would give anything in the world to feel that sickness again). My team leader had been keeping the team updated w/ my emails, which included the blog. Dominic's teacher had been following our journey. So as I said this is where the tears began...and it is okay...because I need to shed those tears sometimes.
I walked Mya to her class and stayed a few minutes in the hall talking to her teacher. Mya's teacher had her daughter w/ her because her babysitter w/ at the Muffins for Mom who was coming down the hall to get her at that moment. Mya's teacher handed off her daughter to the sitter (who was off to T o y' s R U s - she spelled it so her son and the daughter didn't hear where they were going) and she went w/out blinking an eye...A few seconds later Mya's teacher got teary eyed as she watched the sitter walk away and down the hall w/ her little girl and she commented how hard it was to watch her baby girl (she's almost 2) leaving w/ someone else...she said "that's mine and it's just hard".
Right away it hit me, but I didn't say it out loud...try watching someone (a nurse) walk away w/ your baby girl to take her to the morgue to attach a toe tag (which was in Eva's blankets that the funeral home gave us back) and await for the funereal home to come and get her...a lifeless body that can't even wave or smile a simple goodbye...a baby girl that you won't see later that day when you get off of work. Try doing that...It's horrible...it sucks...really bad. So naturally I cried the whole ride home to get Vinnie.
In between the school function and the store we went to the tombstone place to again look at and discuss Eva's stone...another hard task. I feel like I HAVE to do it soon but also feel like it's the final step in the process and I just don't want to finish the process yet...although I know this will never be over but I still feel like I'm taking care of Eva when there is something left that needs done for HER. (might be why the thank you's are still sitting here...)
Then at the grocery store I called two family members to ask if they needed anything. Both made the same comments that I may have been able to answer very easily...but today, no...I got upset, angry w/ their questions...not that they should have or would have known the answer but I guess I just didn't realize that nor think about it, I just cried instead...in the middle of the milk isle in Giant Eagle.
Next stop was Get-Go cause the big GE store didn't have the gift cards that I needed (I never pass up the chance to buy a gift card to get the points towards the $3.49 per gallon of gas - for a van that takes over $70 to fill). I handed the cashier my keys w/ my advantage card attached as well as my photo key chains of "all" of my children...
I just thought I'd share.
These are the babies who are probably playing with EVA! Molly, Eliot, Claire, Isaac, Madeline, Miller, Walker, Copeland, Poppy Joy, Mary, Asher, Maddox, Larson, Joshua, Tristan, Isabella, Jonathan. Done
Love,Mya
(I showed her how to spell check!)
As for me..and today...it's been a rough one. I just said to my Aunt last night that maybe it all hasn't hit me quite yet. Is that possible? I told my dad the same thing yesterday. This all just seems like a story. Something that I read...something that I keep telling people over and over again...but just a story. Not really my life. Even standing or sitting at the cemetery doesn't seem real anymore. I told Vinnie that today. What the heck is going on? Is this just my way of dealing w/ it all? Or my way of coping w/ life that is still going on all around me?
I cried most of the day..and slept the other part. I was up early and went to Muffins w/ Mom at Mya's school. So nice to be off of work to be able to do these things. This is where the crying began. I saw Dominic's first grade teacher and got her attention to say hello. She hugged me and cried w/ me...I know that most in the school "know" but wasn't sure who all "knew" and "what" they know. Came to realize that she sells Tastefully Simple on the team that I am/was on...(I am still a consultant but have been slacking since getting pregnant w/ Eva...all of the TS food made me gag during my morning, afternoon and evening sickness - so funny to type that because I would give anything in the world to feel that sickness again). My team leader had been keeping the team updated w/ my emails, which included the blog. Dominic's teacher had been following our journey. So as I said this is where the tears began...and it is okay...because I need to shed those tears sometimes.
I walked Mya to her class and stayed a few minutes in the hall talking to her teacher. Mya's teacher had her daughter w/ her because her babysitter w/ at the Muffins for Mom who was coming down the hall to get her at that moment. Mya's teacher handed off her daughter to the sitter (who was off to T o y' s R U s - she spelled it so her son and the daughter didn't hear where they were going) and she went w/out blinking an eye...A few seconds later Mya's teacher got teary eyed as she watched the sitter walk away and down the hall w/ her little girl and she commented how hard it was to watch her baby girl (she's almost 2) leaving w/ someone else...she said "that's mine and it's just hard".
Right away it hit me, but I didn't say it out loud...try watching someone (a nurse) walk away w/ your baby girl to take her to the morgue to attach a toe tag (which was in Eva's blankets that the funeral home gave us back) and await for the funereal home to come and get her...a lifeless body that can't even wave or smile a simple goodbye...a baby girl that you won't see later that day when you get off of work. Try doing that...It's horrible...it sucks...really bad. So naturally I cried the whole ride home to get Vinnie.
In between the school function and the store we went to the tombstone place to again look at and discuss Eva's stone...another hard task. I feel like I HAVE to do it soon but also feel like it's the final step in the process and I just don't want to finish the process yet...although I know this will never be over but I still feel like I'm taking care of Eva when there is something left that needs done for HER. (might be why the thank you's are still sitting here...)
Then at the grocery store I called two family members to ask if they needed anything. Both made the same comments that I may have been able to answer very easily...but today, no...I got upset, angry w/ their questions...not that they should have or would have known the answer but I guess I just didn't realize that nor think about it, I just cried instead...in the middle of the milk isle in Giant Eagle.
Next stop was Get-Go cause the big GE store didn't have the gift cards that I needed (I never pass up the chance to buy a gift card to get the points towards the $3.49 per gallon of gas - for a van that takes over $70 to fill). I handed the cashier my keys w/ my advantage card attached as well as my photo key chains of "all" of my children...
...and the awww came w/ looking at Eva's newborn pic. With tears already flowing I told her that she was born on St. Patrick's Day and passed away on Easter. I couldn't even say another word and she was in tears too. She began to say something about her friend who experienced something similar when I briefly said that she had a genetic disorder. She said "Oh, well than look at it this way at least you don't have to deal w/ that now"...I jumped back w/ the "BUT I WANTED TO DEAL W/ IT"! - paid and left - I don't think she meant for it to sound mean and I didn't really take it harshly...but oh, how I would do anything in the world to be "dealing" w/ that right now!
And tonight...tonight is just another story. And I'm sorry but I just don't want to share that part but please know that is has been a horrible night...I mean bad. For me...for me and Vinnie...and I am struggling w/ it all tremendosly.
Please pray for the unforeseen issues in my life...in our lives...in our home. Please pray w/ me that we are ALL exactly where we are supposed to be and that God will continue to carry US through.
I thank you all who are still reading and praying for us. I am sorry to mention the few teachers today (I didn't list names and don't mean any harm by mentioning you). Please take no offence to anything I have said as it is not meant in a bad way at all. I promise!
And tonight...tonight is just another story. And I'm sorry but I just don't want to share that part but please know that is has been a horrible night...I mean bad. For me...for me and Vinnie...and I am struggling w/ it all tremendosly.
Please pray for the unforeseen issues in my life...in our lives...in our home. Please pray w/ me that we are ALL exactly where we are supposed to be and that God will continue to carry US through.
I thank you all who are still reading and praying for us. I am sorry to mention the few teachers today (I didn't list names and don't mean any harm by mentioning you). Please take no offence to anything I have said as it is not meant in a bad way at all. I promise!
11 comments:
Keep letting it out, sweet friend. He will give you beauty, but you have to give him your ashes. First the mourning, then the dancing... joy cometh. Joy cometh. Love you.
Chrissy
I have been a longtime, silent follower for quite awhile now. Tonight, though, you layed your hurting heart out in such a way that I find myself having to respond.
There is nothing that I can say that would make your hurt subside. That is all in God's hand. Which is why I want you to know that I will be praying for you. Your needs are so deep and then to add on the ones that you have chosen to keep private.
My dear friend, I WILL hold you close to my heart the rest of my evening and into the morning. I am trusting Him to bring you some sweet memories and moments to help through this extra tough time at home.
love from a new friend, Shannon
Chrissy,
My prayers are with you. God, please lift Chrissy up so that she knows you are carrying her through this time in her life when things don't even seem real to her anymore. Help her to do what you would have her to do. Help her to take each day and savor it as it is YOUR day that YOU have given to us. As for her prayer needs, God she need not speak them. You know her needs already. Please hold her in your arms and give her peace. We love you Lord for your love, and never ending Glory. Remember to keep her children and husband close and near to you for they also need your guidance.
Thank you Lord. We Love you Lord and want to spend each of our days worshipping and praising you.
Amen!
Chrissy, I hope this helps in some way. I do not know your pain, but God does. I know for whom I believe!
I am always here to talk if you need someone to listen.
Sonja
Florida
I cry with you this morning. Know that you are loved, sister!
Sweet Chrissy,
Please know that my prayers are with you still for all that is evident and for the things that are not. God knows all that is in your heart and I ask Him to gently and lovingly carry you through. I can only imagine how hard this time must be as the layers of pain peel off, a bit at a time. No one knows how long this takes. It just takes as long as it must and I am so sorry that it hurts so much. Letting it all out is such a good thing for you to do. I love you Chrissy and will continue to pray you through.
Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.
Oh, Chrissy...my heart mourns with you, my friend.
You are still in my prayers... Praying for comfort and peace for you and your family as you all walk this road. Praying that you will all be drawn closer together, that the enemy will not have his way and divide you.
God is faithful...He will carry you!
If you need to talk, I am here for you.
Love you,
Alicia
I, too, pray for you every day. I hope today is better for you! Lisa in NC
Oh my Chrissy that necklace is gorgeous! Mya's words are so sweet! I also have to say I understand so much of what you wrote so clearly. I too feel like most days this is not reality. I too am struggling with ordering the grave stone. Please know you are not alone and are in my thoughts each and EVERY day! I love you!
Kristy
I hope you are not taking all of this out on Vinny. He is grieving too and you need to be sensitive to his feelings as well as your own. Lean on him, don't attack!
Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I know it is hard to hear other moms with a living child discuss their "hardships". After Walker died, my friend would complain about being sleep deprived with her newborn. I wanted to scream-"At least you have your newborn". You and your family are always in my prayers. Remember you are an amazing child of God. We are all learning to rely on Him and help each other.
Love, Debbie
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