I sit here tonight amazed at how fast the past week has gone by. Sitting here knowing what I should be doing or would be doing or could be doing if my 12 day old daughter were still here on this Earth.
I'm sad that she never made it home, to our physical home. I'm sad that she never got to ride in the van, in her car seat. I am sad that I didn't get to dress her in the many outfits that awaited her arrival in a bin freshly laundered in Dreft. I am sad that I never got to see her and Mya in their matching Easter dresses, handmade just to fit her tiny body. I am sad as I walk thru the store and see the diapers, wipes and baby food that I won't be needing to purchase.
But I am happy that I DID get to...hear her cry or squeak I should say...see her wide open eyes looking around, watch her fight to be here for as long as she could, see her wean from a vent to a cannula to high pressure oxygen and live 2 days longer when her doctor said it would be a few hours, change 3 wet diapers, see a poopy diaper, see her get my breast milk thru a feeding tube and then frantically search for a breast (but dad was holding her so she wasn't getting what she was looking for)...suck on a pacifier and get angry cause there was nothing coming out, watch her get a bath, see her in a few outfits w/ matching hats and socks that looked like knee highs...rub her full head of hair (she hated this), kiss her forehead, her nose and her lips...see the tiny dimple on her left cheek that resembles daddy's...see Vinnie, Dominic and Mya hold her and love on her...hold her bare body against my chest until she left me on Easter Sunday morning...
I prayed that she would make it home for Easter and she did...it just wasn't my home but that of her Heavenly Father. Therefore, my prayer WAS answered.
So as I sit here tonight w/ empty arms and long to hold my baby Eva again...my heart is full of memories. Memories that I will have and hold and cherish forever. I lay at night just looking at her pictures thinking about all that I did for her and the chance that I gave her at the life that she had. Even though it was short it was meaningful and I would do it all over again if I were chosen by God to walk this very path again.
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11 comments:
Dear Chrissy - I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling in not having your beloved Eva in your arms tonight. While I continue to praise God that you gave life to your precious girl, I also know that you and Vinnie are missing your daughter. May God be with you, Vinnie, Mya and Dominic during this difficult time. With love - Lynne B.
Thinking of you, today and every day.
Chrissy - I have never experienced the physical loss of a child but two years ago I did experience another kind of loss as one of my daughter's made a decision that resulted in her leaving behind everything she had been brought up to believe in - her faith, the sanctity of marriage vows, her family. It was truly the darkest time I have ever lived through. I learned so many lessons about God's truths and ultimately decided that Satan was having victory in her life but he was not going to in mine. I don't know how this relates to loosing Eva but do know that she is with Him for eternity. You never stopped loving her even though she faced a certain earthly death. You will long to hold that precious babe in your arms and wonder what kind of little girl she might have become. I am praying for you and your family as you continue to stuggle through sorrow and loss. Trust His heart - answers He doesn't always impart but we can always trust His heart. --Becky
Chrissy,
I am sorry that there were things you have not been able to do with Eva, but I am so thankful for the memories that you do have with her, the pictures, holding her, kissing her... I wish that I had those with my little one...but it was not to be.
Cherish the memories, my friend! Look with anticipation that we shall see them again!
I love you and will continue to lift you and your family up in prayer.
Love,
Alicia
Praying for you Chrissy. I know the ache of empty arms all too well and the sting of baby reminders. I was chosen to walk this path twice and it hurts just as much this time. We do have hope though. We will be with our babies once again. Right now we have to mother our children who are here on earth. Please know I love you and am thinking of you!
Love,
Kristy
I am thinking of you this morning. I know the emptiness that you feel. Hang onto the memories and don't worry about forgetting. Eva is happy today in Heaven and I know you will be reunited with her again one day. That is what gets me through each tough moment, knowing I will see Madeline again.
Mandy
GA
www.madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com
Chrissy,
I am thinking about you this morning and praying for your heart. I am so sorry for the things that you are missing in caring for Eva. Easter will always have an extra special meaning for me as I remember this perfect little girl. I hope you find comfort in the encouragement of the other blessed mothers who have walked this same journey as you have. They KNOW how to comfort you, they are just weeks and months ahead of you on this road, but they know your pain and loss too well. I love you and will pray daily for your family.
Love, Laurie in Ca.
Chrissy, I am praying for you RIGHT now! I am praying God holds you closely as you wade through these waters.
Chrissy,
I know today marks one week since Eva went home to Jesus. You said that this week flew by, and I think you will continue to find that time will play tricks with you. It definitely did to me! But hearing how you can already recognize the beauty of her life even when the hurt of her loss is so fresh, is beautiful to me. God bless you and your family as you continue, day by day, sometimes hour by hour.
Love, Angie
I know that there is really not anything that I can say to you right now that is going to magically bring you out of your mourning. I just wanted to bring some encouragement to you and your family. Though I've never experienced a loss like what you are going through and try to place myself in your place, I will never know your feelings. I pray that the Lord will bring you a sense of peace and comfort in knowing that your baby is with Him. I thougt it was so fitting that she would receive her "resurrection" on Easter Morning, the day we celebrate our Risen Saviour. It is amazing how God can use these things to remind us how in control he is. Praying continually for you!
Chrissy-
Praying for you dear girl. I know that the time passes so quickly... it is absolutely amazing how you can be holding that precious gift, and now, for us, have it be almost 10 weeks later. I can't believe it... and sometimes it's so good, and sometimes it's just hard. But know that you are loved and so is your beautiful girl with Jesus.
In His love!
Kenzie
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