I guess...

I guess because it has been nine months people assume we are all better now...

I guess because we are seven and a half months pregnant people assume we have picked up and moved on...

I guess because we appear to be functioning normally people assume we are back to normal...

But the truth be told...people...we are no better than we were on September 28th, 2007 ~ the day we received her diagnosis....we have far from picked up and moved on...and we are not and never will be normal again ~ not that we ever were. Instead...we are different...we are living each day the best that we can...and our normal is no where near your normal.

Speaking for myself here...

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about her. There is not a day that goes by that her name is not spoken out loud thru my lips. There is not a day that goes by that she is not tremendously missed. There are many constant reminders of her absence. The still so very tender scar on my abdomen is just one of the many. The dwelling place of her little brother that is growing profusely, with every toss and turn and kick and punch felt from within is just another reminder of what her sick little self was incapable of allowing me to feel just a year ago. Her pictures that are all over the house instead of her crawling at my feet as I type.

What I'd give to have her here in my arms...here...today. Instead of nursing my baby girl after work, baby food feeding her dinner in a high chair and nursing again before bed...this evening...I will attend a memorial service sponsored by The Caring Place (the support group that we attend for our grieving children and their families).

So I guess what I am trying to say here...is that we are not all better, we have not moved on and we are by far not back to any type of normal. Please do not assume that because we can go about our day, laugh and function as everyone else does...does not mean that we are still not grieving, mourning, missing and healing over the loss of our baby girl.

Yes, we are anticipating this new little boy more than ever but we are also more protective of our hearts knowing more than ever that we are not promised tomorrow....not w/ each other, not w/ our other children, not w/ our parents/grandparents, and certainly not w/ this new baby boy. I cherish every move he makes even if I sometimes find myself praying at night for him to just fall asleep. I am anxious to meet him but just as anxious as I am to be reunited w/ my precious Eva. There are many bittersweet feeling and emotions felt each and everyday. I just wish people could understand where we are coming from, where we are at, where we are going and where we will never be again.

I am still here...

Thank you to those who have reached out, concerned, asking if everything is okay. I am here. I have nothing profound to say. I am just here. I could care less about the holidays, and felt this way prior to Eva. If it weren't for Dominic and Mya I could go right thru the festivities w/out skipping a beat. Tonight, I am miserable. Likely because of a certain someone around me. But I won't get into that. Just for now...I am here. Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers. I hope that everyone has a very happy and truly blessed Christmas and New Year!

Baby Faith Clare is on her way!!!

Visit The Stanfield's website to follow the delivery of Baby Faith Clare and to pray for them throughout the entire process of getting to meet their precious baby girl! It's been 10 weeks since this post...PRAISE GOD FOR THOSE PAST TEN WEEKS!

Sooooo BIG!!!

This was 33 weeks ago...taken at 38 weeks w/ Eva.



This is just 22 weeks in...w/ this baby boy. And to think I've got 18 more weeks to go?

How big can one be by then???



Yeah, so what if I'm at Burger King!

And I am well aware of how my gut matches my butt...thank you very much (Rachel)!

The Stanfield's...

Kenzie is back in the hospital. She is asking us to pray for several specifics. I have listed them below. She has come along way, just a couple days short of 35 weeks. Praise GOD!

Please pray for wisdom for their doctors, for strength and the health of their baby girl, Faith Clare, for her lungs to be developed, her ability to breath on her own, for her ability to nurse, for no overnight stay in the NICU and for Mom and Dad's peace of mind.

Also, please pray for precious Deacon as he misses his Mommy when she is not at home.

Praying for God's perfect plan and will to be done. Praying for this amazing family and the perfect timing regarding Faith Clare's birthday!

Thank you for praying for them through this emotional time...through this very emotional year!

Tune in...AGAIN!!!

Please tune in AGAIN to Oprah tomorrow (Friday, October 31st) for ANOTHER episode featuring the Mooney family.

Their son Eliot's story can be read here Eliot Hartman Mooney 7.20.06~10.27.06 and seen here 99 Balloons.

And here is the blog of his new little sister Hazel Emerson.

Thank you to those who tuned in for Tuesday's episode. Talk about emotional! And did you see the tears on Oprah?

Priceless!

I can only pray that the world has been touched not only by Eliot but by ALL of the precious children who stared on that show!

Tune In...

Please tune in to Oprah tomorrow for the episode on Miracle Children.

The Mooney family will be sharing Eliot's story, which can be read here Eliot Hartman Mooney 7.20.06~10.27.06 and seen here 99 Balloons.

Here is the blog of his new little sister Hazel Emerson.

So bittersweet...

Our daughter turned 7 months today and our son is half way here...

7 months out and 5 months in...

So bittersweet...

Say Cheese...

The top 9 pics are from the 1st trimester screening on August 22nd, 2008





This is the envelope that contained the pics from this past Monday's appointment...Vinnie had the pleasure of writing on it...


This is the label of the video...also from Monday's appointment. Can you tell how excited Vinnie is???

The below 12 pics are from the level II on Monday, October 13th, 2008

Update...

Isaiah 65:17-20 (New Living Translation)

17
“Look! I am creating new heavens and a new earth,
and no one will even think about the old ones anymore.

18
Be glad; rejoice forever in my creation!
And look! I will create Jerusalem as a place of happiness.
Her people will be a source of joy.

19
I will rejoice over Jerusalem
and delight in my people.
And the sound of weeping and crying
will be heard in it no more.

20
“No longer will babies die when only a few days old.
No longer will adults die before they have lived a full life.
No longer will people be considered old at one hundred!
Only the cursed will die that young!

Yesterday at 10AM (EST) was our level II ultrasound. Our prayers were for our experience to be much better and different from last years. We already knew thus far that all previous ultrasounds and blood work had been great BUT we also knew that that means nothing...

We were trusting and believing that this baby is well, healthy and whole and even if not we would love and cherish every moment as we did w/ Eva.

This baby has been quite active since 15 weeks (I am 19 weeks and 4 days today). Even that in and of itself if different from last year as Eva was tiny and never very forceful w/ her movements. I was trying my hardest to get thru yesterday w/ joy and happiness w/ the new life the Lord has blessed us with but it was hard going back to that same place that changed our lives a year ago.

I was also hoping to making it thru the ultrasound w/ this baby's gender remaining a surprise...I had thoughts that I'd lose that battle as Vinnie was very eager to know...and NOW!

Thank you all for continuing to think of us, email us and most of all pray for us. We truly do feel your prayers.

I didn't have time to post this on the blog yesterday as we had a busy day...10 AM ultrasound, lunch in town (we had a gift certificate from Nov. last year that we had yet to use), a 1:30 PM appt, a 4 PM prenatal visit (w/ a new doctor to the practice) and a 5:20 PM appt w/ the chiropractor (I've been having very bad headaches, neck pain and back discomfort). Then we had to get kids from daycare (4 kids...we carpool on Monday's), feed them all dinner and then have the girls at Joyful Twirlers by 7 PM.

Can we say exhaustion!!!

So...as for how yesterday's ultrasound went.

Again, I want to say thank you to all of you that emailed and text messaged!

It truly meant a lot and our morning went w/ such ease (I am sure that is because of the blanket of prayers that covered us from afar).

I was welcomed to the office w/ open arms of a nurse that just loved us last year. I told her that I was so hoping to make it thru the appt (emotions wise) and even more w/ the baby's gender still remaining a surprise. She was going to write a note for the tech stating that we DID NOT want to know but I told her not to and we would just go with the flow (Vinnie was waiting in the waiting room for me while I signed in).

We had a different tech (one that I never had before) so in a way I think that was good and we were in a different room than ever before which also made for a smooth ride. Right away the tech asked if we wanted to know the gender. I said no and Vinnie said yes. So again, we decided to wait till all the other parts of the baby were measured and checked out and asked for her to ask us again.

As she looked at the heart she explained everything that she was looking for, in detail…as well as the umbilical cord, measurements and this baby's entire body. The baby was very active and moving all over the place (surely not because I drank a cafe mocha from Walgreen's on the way there) but at the same time being very cooperative w/ positioning for all the needed views.

At one point I swear I could see the little three lines, kinda like a hamburger, so my guess was a girl (for those who have girls you might know what I mean). Then I saw something else...that looked like a bigger bulge close to between the baby's legs. I blurted out...what is that??? And the tech said it was the cord. Whew. I thought it was a boy part. I don't say whew in a bad way but just that I thought the gender was out of the bag, so to say.

Then that moment came where the tech asked us again if we wanted to know...at this time it was too late for me to tell her that if it's a girl tell us that you can't tell and if it's a boy go ahead and reveal it. Reason being, like every male, Vinnie was hoping for a boy, a healthy baby all in all, but maybe…just maybe…a boy. I felt that if it were a girl than he'd be slightly disappointed. I also felt that finding out the gender at the time of delivery would leave no room for disappointment. So, yes, I didn't want to know more because I had a feeling it was a girl and because I thought he'd be disappointed.

Anyways, long story short...it's a boy. I lost the battle of "let's wait"...

I am so thankful and truly blessed to be carrying a healthy and whole baby boy. I am so thankful for a tech who was so patient w/ us and our son yesterday and who was so detailed in giving us so much information. I am blessed to have been able to see the same caring doctor who delivered Eva just 30 weeks ago. I am ecstatic to know that this baby's hands are open and not clenched, his heart is hole free, his brain is cyst-less, his feet are straight and not clubbed nor rocker bottom....he is peeing and swallowing normally and measuring 1 day ahead and not weeks behind!!!

Not sure if God has blessed us w/ a son, the opposite of our Eva because He knows that I was already comparing everything this time around to out last years experience. I would have taken a girl any day, don't get me wrong...I just know each and every day I would have thought about what would Eva had looked at this time, what would Eva had weighed at this time, what would Eva be doing right now...I do all that as it is. I just think it will be tad different w/ a little boy.

I still am in a state of shock w/ hearing that he is a he. I really felt he was she. Maybe I am not completely convinced. I think I need a second opinion...lol. I am thinking about calling our local community college again to volunteer. Why not? They are always in need of guinea pigs to practice on.

***I typed this earlier but waited to post. Since then I had called our local CCAC and believe it or not the teacher asked if I could come in today...so I did. The students all took turns scanning me as well as looking thru my photo albums of Eva. Well, I guess I need to be convinced..he is INDEED a he! No if's, and's or but's about it...IT IS THERE!***

PRAISE be to the only ONE who GIVES and TAKES away. We are truly thankful and blessed beyond measure! Thank you Lord for loving us and creating MY two boys and two girls!!!

Psalm 139 (The Message)
13-16
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother's womb.

I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

I worship in adoration—what a creation!

You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared
before I'd even lived one day.

Okay...so I stole a recipe!!!

Back in July, on Susie's blog, she had post referring to Andrea's popcorn all over the floor.

At that time I saved Andrea's blog (and the recipe) for future reference.

On occasion, I would pop on to Sgt and Mrs Hub's blog and drool over the recipes and graphic pics of all the lovely things she makes and bakes for her family.

When one day I came upon this post...

Which brought me to Kim's blog...and Kim's recipe...

(I do not know these females at all...just stealing their recipes)!!! Thanks gals!

LET ME JUST TELL YOU THAT THESE CHICKEN ENCHILADAS ARE TO DIE FOR!!!!

Thanks to the love of my life (AKA Vinnie) my belly is full...in more ways than one...and I may even go back for more anyways!

It's funny how I retrieve the recipes, sometimes do the shopping for the necessary items, then leave the rest to him. I asked if I could help him tonight and he said yeah...read me the recipe as I go and sit here and talk to me while I do it.

Ummm, OKAY! So that's what I did!

He takes good care of us! Even more in the kitchen!!!

(Did I ever mention how food is my best friend)???

Copied idea from ConfessionsOfACFHusband.com.....

Squidoo (an online group that raises tons of money for charities) is giving $80,000 to the charities of your choice. Basically, anyone who wants to participate can vote for one charity (from a list of about 50...don't vote more than once or all your votes will be deleted)...

Squidoo will donate $2/vote. You don't even have to sign up for anything! Feel free to CLICK HERE and vote for any charity you believe could use $2...

I voted for The March of Dimes...need I explain why?

You have until October 15 to vote! Let me know if you participate, and which organization got your vote (even if it's not one the one I chose)!

Thanks

My goal for Tastefully Simple was $400...

And look at this...$405.36 !!!!!

And in just 5 Internet orders!!!

(The other 3 were obtained from friends of a friend, family and a friend of family).

Penny $60.43

Deb $60.42

Carole $15.72

Lisa $122.99

Faith $13.48

Chrissy & Anita $60.41

Jeannine $28.97

Carey $42.94

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And these are those who placed orders and were ever so kind to allow me to process a day later to count towards my NEXT quarters goal!

Kelly
Cathy
Angi
Gina
Kathleen
Jamie
Carol

THANK you to EVERYONE who has help me achieve my goal. Not only for this quarter but for the next quarter too!

Today was THAT day...

Today was THAT day last year when I received that horrific phone call. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I know where I was, what I was doing, where I was going...even what I was wearing. That phone call changed my life. That baby girl, who I didn't know was a girl at that time, changed my life. Today, this year...I am a different person. I think differently, I act differently, I love differently, I hug differently, I even cry differently...my life is different. Different indeed. And I am so thankful to be here, standing, today.

Last year, this day...I was knocked over by the biggest, baddest storm ever. One that took the breath out of my lungs and one that I never thought I would live through. One that I thought would not only take my precious baby's life but mine too. But w/ God I came through that storm, and I am standing today to say I did it. It was far from easy. It still ain't over but I am standing today and that, to me, is an accomplishment.

I may not be where I am at if it wasn't for the help of this place...this blog...this public journal of my life. Strangers who have followed, loved and cried from afar...I couldn't thank you enough for carrying me when I couldn't walk on my own. Thank you for carrying my mat. Luke 5:17-20

A year ago today I remember saying to my PCP on the phone as I cried that I couldn't be the reason for my baby's heart to stop. That if her heart was going to stop than I would leave it to God. He was in control, not I. And she said to me that if God was so high and mighty why do things like this (T18) happen in the first place. Wow. Wow, is all I can say all over again. I am so thankful that I didn't feed into that nor question such a thing.

HE is high and mighty. And HE is in control. No doctor could tell me a year ago today that my daughters heart would beat for not only 38 weeks inside of me but for an additional 5 days, 18 hours and 10 minutes here on this earth. There in my arms, in Vinnie's arms, in Dominic's arms and in Mya's arms too. NO DOCTOR was high and mighty enough to KNOW! ONLY HE KNEW! AND I thank HIM for HIS promise that allowed me to trust in only Him. Those doctors told me I'd miscarry. Then they said I'd likely deliver between 28-34 weeks. At 28 weeks a test detected a possible delivery within 7-14-21 days. I carried her another 10 weeks after that test.

Statistics are for the birds. I beg to differ w/ the statistics of T18. Look at my side bar. Read, if you haven't yet all the stories of T18 babies that were born alive, and lived minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and even years. Maybe it's about time they re-do the statistics...(no need for a debate here, just my opinion)

My point of this blog...I don't even know. But I do know that I am doing well today despite that I miss my baby girl.

TS

Update on the Tastefully Simple...I am less that $100 away from my goal w/ a couple potential orders pending. Looking good and I should make it. Don't let that scare you away. I am still offering the "promotion" until Tuesday, September 30th and even thereafter I can take orders and still offer a little something off. But come December it will be crunch time again so I will be running my good ol' "promotion" again. I will post a final order/dollar count as well as many thank you's come Wednesday. Thank you to all thus far!

Ticker...for those who have emailed and asked.

I have a pregnancy ticker up and running way down at the very bottom of my page. It's been there since maybe even before I "officially" announced the news.

As of today, I am 17 weeks and 2 days. That is going by my cycle dates. I have had maybe 3 ultrasounds (one just for the confirmation and heartbeat...one cause I was having some cramping and my doctor is WONDERFUL and probably just wanted to reassure me that all was well and one for the 1st trimester screening to measure the nuchal fold - nuchal translucency).

Each ultrasound has been pretty close w/ the dates maybe 2-4 days plus the cycle date. My due date according to my cycle is 3/6/09 and according to one or two of the three ultrasounds my due date was determined to be 3/8/09...Therefore, when asked I say 3/7/09...ten days before Eva's 1st birthday.

So, if you are wanting to follow along with the ticker please scroll all the way down to the bottom.

God's Pharmacy

I received this in an email. I don't know who wrote it. I just liked it...

It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish...all before making a human. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born.

These are best & more powerful when eaten raw. We're such slow learners...

God left us great clues as to what foods help what part of our body!

A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... and YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.

A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.
Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.
Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don’t have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak... These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

Avocado's, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).
Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow.

Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.

Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries.

Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produces tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

IF TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME

I received this in an email. I do not know who wrote it. I just liked it...

IF TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME

If tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought,
I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for,
So much left yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible,
that I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays,
The good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared,
And all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you
and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized,
That this could never be,
For emptiness and memories,
would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things,
I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did,
My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From His great golden throne,

He said, 'This is eternity,
And all I've promised you.'
Today your life on earth is past,
but here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last,
and since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past.

So when tomorrow starts without me,
don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart.

Tastefully Simple

Some of you know and others do not but I sell Tastefully Simple. I have been only selling the minimum per quarter just to remain a consultant because I like having the discount for myself and I hope and plan to get back up and running...someday.

We are at the end of the quarter, being Tuesday, September 30th, and I am in a bit or a crunch. I need a couple hundred dollars more in sales to make my goal or else...I'll be done selling and no longer a consultant.

I just got wind that the summer line items (those that are left and while supplies last) are 25% off. I am also offering some promotional discounts myself, which I cannot post here (too big of a discount to post here...I promise). So if you like TS products, need a refill or are looking to purchase gifts for the upcoming holidays, please email me!

jane7doe7@aol.com (put TS or Tastefully Simple in the subject line)

Orders can be shipped anywhere! And I can accept credit card/debit card payments!

I know...I know...

I know, I owe an update and tons of pictures. I am horrible at this blog thing anymore. Although, I do check on a ton of you of daily because that takes less time than it does to sit here and type my inner most thoughts and feelings. I always recite over and over again in my head what I plan to post next but those thoughts never make it here.

We are so busy but I guess that's what works for us. That doesn't mean that I am all better it just means that my life has slowly adjusted to reality of my daughter not being physically here w/ me. I miss here just as much today, if not even more, than I did minutes after she was gone. It baffles me how people tend to tell you that life gets easier...I beg to differ. It never gets easier. It will hurt forever. There will always be that empty feeling and that one little person will always be missing. PERIOD! Never gets easier. You just find your own, new coping mechanism. Mine, I guess is staying busy. And I have to say it is a true blessing being pregnant again and anticipating this new little life. It gives me so much hope and so much to be thankful for and another reason to trust and believe that God is indeed good and hears our prayers and answers them in His time.

I had my 16 week blood work done on Monday. I wasn't really worried about the results although I did call the next day to see if the results were in. I didn't know how long they would take but wanted the office to know that I was waiting on the results and to call me. I called again today just to see if they were in and that is when I realized how anxious I really was. Then a bit of fear set in. The thoughts of ...oh my...and...what if...and how could I do something like that again...but I tried my best to shut those thoughts down. I called the office once more, about 3 minutes before they closed and left yet another message just stating that I didn't want to be left hanging over the weekend and if the results weren't in to please at least let me know. Within minutes the phone rang. The nurse on the other end said that all the screening results were negative. I asked if that meant that they were normal results...and she said yes. Ahhh, a sigh of relief. Now, the next big appointment is October 13th. The level II ultrasound. I cannot wait. We will not be finding out the gender, at least that is my plan, but we will be making sure that all actually looks good. Please pray for this appointment.

I went back today and re-read last years posts. I received the T18 diagnosis call on September 28th, which is just 2 days away. What a year it has been. So bittersweet. I can barely read my own words. I so wish this was someone elses story and not mine. Don't get me wrong...I love Eva more than life itself, just wish I had her here and not waiting for me in Heaven.

I know I am missing lots of things w/ this post and I know I have more on my heart and on my mind but for whatever reason I am at a loss for words. I hope to continue this in a little bit...

09/23/2008

Today is the 23rd.....6 months out and yet 4 months in.....so many mixed emotions today.

Please PRAY!

Yet he did not waver thru unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised. Romans 4:20

Please be on your knees w/ me in prayer for the precious Stanfield Family! I had gotten a text from Kenzie on Wednesday night stating that she was in the hospital w/ preterm labor (at 26 weeks w/ baby Faith Clare), having contractions and slightly dilated. At this time I text messaged my friends, family and church asking for their prayer support.

As of today Kenzie is still in the hospital, still contracting and the medication is not doing what the doctors hoped it would, not to mention that it is causing her much discomfort. She just had a test done (same test I had done in January w/ Eva...mentioned in this post) as is waiting on the results. Praying for a negative result but knowing that a positive result doesn't mean a thing. My results were positive and Eva was delivered 10 weeks later.

Here is the link to their blog http://thestanfieldjourney.blogspot.com.

Please visit them, comment to let them know you care and please continue to pray them thru till their December due date. God is in control.

Yet he did not waver thru unbelief regarding the promise of God but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what He had promised. Romans 4:20

Baby Names and more...

Never before would I have wanted to announce what our thoughts were towards names. Now, I guess I am at that point in life as to what difference does it make? If someone feels the need to "steal" our name...who cares! Right? lol It's not like many of our blog family live close by nor do we see or hang out with them on a regular basis...so again, who cares.

With that said I posted our thoughts...or should I say MY thoughts on names on the side bar. I thought it'd be neat to see what the "world" likes in regards to names. We have run a few past our family already...so I have heard the diarrhea jokes regarding Ria...and Vinnie thinks that Jia would get Jya...but our poor Mya gets Mia? Why, I don't know. We would just correct someone, continuously if we have to. Please feel free to "vote" on your favorite, boy and/or girl name. I'd love to get your opinions.

As for the question will we be finding out the baby's gender...NOPE! I want a surprise! I wanted to wait w/ Eva but when the "surprise" came in the form of a T18 diagnosis , my fear was of a miscarriage and didn't want to not know what the baby was ahead of time. So I knew Eva was a girl the same day I knew of the diagnosis, 13 weeks. This time, I want to wait...that's if Mya and Vinnie will allow it!

Friday's screening went very well. Comparing it to last year, what a difference. Eva was stubborn from the get-go. She would not allow herself to be measured and gave the tech (and me) a run for our money. I was made to move from side to side, emptied my bladder, the tech and doctor poked and prodded before summing it up to a measurement of 3.2 mm (the nuchal fold). As I was told last year (boy some things you never forget) was that 2.5mm and under was considered normal and 3.5mm and above was considered abnormal. The 1mm in between was considered a gray window in which they are unsure and wait for the blood work results to come back.

My blood work last year showed the hcg and pappa levels being too low. This meant that something was wrong w/ the baby's heart or something was wrong w/ the placenta. In our case...it was indeed her heart. Cause of death was congestive heart failure. Crazy to me that blood from me at 12 weeks of pregnancy could detect something that big.

So, this baby...last weeks ultrasound and blood work...was all GOOD! Nuchal fold measurement was 1.6mm (mind you, well under the 2.5mm and 1/2 of what Eva's was) and the blood work was normal levels. After the test last year I was told that my risk factor for a down's baby was 1/140 (they thought T18 was ruled out, boy were they wrong).....this year, after the screening test and results my risk factor for a down's baby (again, T18 ruled out) is 1/5000. I'm content w/ that.

I will not be proceeding w/ any invasive testing. No CVS nor amnio. I wasn't going to do that anyways but I am now feeling a lot better w/ making that decision. I will have the quad screening blood test on 9/18 and a Level II ultrasound on 10/17 and take it from there. Both in which last year showed the T18 characteristics very clearly.

Stay tuned. Pics to come, I promise!

(Someone had voted for Ara when I first put the poll up. Then I realized I needed to add one more name and had to delete the first poll. I hope that person, whoever you are, will re-vote w/ a new selection or w/ Ara again. Sorry for the confusion!)

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is a big and busy day for us. Up at 6, out the door by 7, dr's appt at 8 and no later than 10 we'll be on the road for a two+ hour drive to meet up w/ friends and enjoy some fun in the sun! So looking forward to it!

As for the appt, you prayers are needed, please. We are heading back to AGH for our 1st trimester screening...which means a few things to us. This will be all 4 of ours first time back to AGH since March when we left w/out our baby girl, Eva....this is also the same place and test where our journey w/ Eva all began. Lots of mixed emotions here. Please pray for us.

As for an update, not much going on. I started a new job on August 4th. More details on that later, nothing bad thus far. As for my current status, I am nauseous...everyday. PRAISE GOD for NAUSEA! I have a few ultrasound pics to post after our crazy weekend, as well as I still plan to post about our trip to the beach, Atlanta and camping. Boy have I been slacking!!!

So, on that note...all is well. We're all still here. Baby and all. Blood work and appts this far have gone great. Heart rate is 167-171. So awesome to hear that coming from within. We are so blessed and very thankful!

Please check back soon for back dated posts and major, major pics! Gotta have pics!

7/21/2008 = 8 YEARS

HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY, MYA! We love you so very much!!!

7/21/08 also ='s 7+ WEEKS

HAPPY 7+ WEEKS PRECIOUS NEW LIFE!

PRAISING GOD FOR BLESSING US!

WE ALL LOVE YOU SO MUCH ALREADY!

No words...

other than.....please visit the Deeper Still Blog today...

Coincidence...I think not.

As I drove to a funeral tonight of a friend that I have not seen since high school (besides a brief moment of exchanging a few kind words at the tattoo shop sometime over the past 14 years) I prayed. I prayed that my going to this place (where I did not want to be...since the last time I stood face to face w/ a casket was to say goodbye to my daughter) would some how some way be an inspiration to others, or even just to one person for that matter.

I prayed as I drove along Frankstown road towards the funeral home. Prayed to touch someones life. Prayed that someone would be encouraged by my strength, seeing me come to such place just 16 weeks from the day my baby girl took her last breath. Prayed that someone could see that I am doing well. That only God has carried me thus far. By His power I could face the brother and mother of this old friend of mine who took his last breath this past Tuesday. Satan did this to him, to them. Satan allowed the 29 year old to desire the poison that would take his life. He had been doing well from what I have heard. Pictures from just a week ago revealed such. Maybe he thought "just one more time" not knowing that "one more time" would indeed be his last.

As I hugged his mother I reminded her of who I was and of that last day of ninth grade when she picked a few of us from school on an early dismissal...we squeezed too many of us into that tiny red sports car to go back to their house to drink the night away in their basement...yes, I said drink and ninth grade in the same sentence. Just a reminder of where I was, where I could have been, where I could be now and oh where I am and how proud I am to say such. I am in no way saying anything bad about others but am simply praising God for the life I live now. Those who know me know that drugs were not and will never be a part of my life...but drinking, oh the hard liquor was indeed my best friend more times that I care to mention.

As I hugged that mother I could relate even if just a little. This was her son. This was her child. Gone way too soon. I know how that feels. Even though 29 years is way longer than 5 days it is still the loss of a future. A wedding, grand children, a 30th birthday that should have occurred in just 13 days from today. Siblings that are hurting. In this case, a younger brother who is struggling over that fact that he just got his "clean" big brother back. Oh Lord, please be w/ their family at this most difficult time. Please carry them as you have carried me when I was unable to walk on my own.

So as I hugged the necks of so many in which I haven't seen in years, some that I would have been okay never seeing again...through the crowd I saw a face of an elementary friend. One that would spend the night at my house in second grade when I lived w/ my Mom. A friend that saw times when my Mom was not so herself. One that has had a tough life since we last spoke. As we hugged and carried on what could have been a brief conversation I mentioned how, we too, lost our child this year. She then went on to say that her friend, standing close by, lost her son a short time ago. As her friend moved closer I could tell she didn't really care to meet me nor to speak. But as I showed my friend my tattoo of Eva her friend chimed in and said that she too was scheduled to get a memorial tattoo of her son who just recently passed. She said you must be the girl that Chris Blick from the tattoo shop was talking about whose baby girl lived for just 5 days. She was ready to open up...even if just a little.

He son, passed away on the day I was due w/ Eva...March 31. Just two weeks after Eva's first breath and one week and one day after her last. He just turned 10 months the day before. His cause of death was gastro something disease. Something in which it sounded/seemed like it could have been prevented w/ the help of medical personnel (but they neglected to intervene). I am unsure and I do not want to mess up critical details. Either way, her baby is gone. Her 6 year old and 4 old and hurting. Almost just as much as she is. This girl needed to speak to me. She needed to know that she was and is not alone. She needed hugged by someone who gets it. I get it.

We spoke until 9:45...the funeral ended at 8:00. I told her all about the Highmark Caring Place (which I think I have yet to post on). I went to my van to look for info on it and when I couldn't find it I just wrote the name of the program down on a slip of paper. I included my first and last name (cause even after the length of time we spoke I don't think we ever exchanged names) and my phone number. I told her that she may not be ready yet but when and if she is...I am here. I could see the impact I had on her thru her tears and in the expression on her face and even more when she said how nice it was to talk to someone who can relate.

In ways we are so much the same...but in one way we are different. She is angry. I am not. I never really was. In the beginning, maybe. Now, nope. Don't get me wrong...I still don't understand, I still want my daughter back, and I still ask God why. Someday I will know plain as day why everything is the way it is...but today, I choose not to be mad at my Creator, Eva's Creator.

Maybe after seeing me, talking to me and hugging me her anger will soon fade away. I told her that the death of our children was and is not of God but of the one who comes to steal, kill and destroy. God allows something wonderful to been seen thru it all. And although her relationship has been taken by the devil too. I promised her, that God has a bigger and better plan. Plans for her future. I promised because He promised.

Coincidence, I think not.

Please pray for their family...

On 6/23/2008 you've been gone 3 months...

Oh How I Miss You Baby Girl!

5th member of our family...5 days you shared w/ us...my 5th tattoo...







I had this tattoo done on 6/24; the day after the 3 month mark of Eva entering the Gates of Heaven. Chris Blick of American Tattoos gets the credit...I'll take the credit for enduring the pain for almost 2 hours! His work is amazing! Thank you Chris! Although it is still going thru the healing process it looks great and receives a TON of compliments. Chris is highly recommend around here. He is so booked that I scheduled the appointment about 2 weeks (on April 5th) after Eva passed away...his first opening was June 24th.

On 6/17/2008 you would have been 3 months...

Happy Birthday To You Baby Girl!




I had this done on 6/17. When I called the man to ask about pricing and such he was taken back because his daughters name is Ava...they had considered the name Eva first. He did this for me out of the goodness of his heart. And I know that my story...as well as the stories of all of my "blog" friends...touched his heart for many years to come. Thank you D's Signs for the wonderful work you do and the fantastic job you did for us.

How awesome HE is...(a lil piece of Deeper Still in Atlanta)

In Genesis, He's the breath of life
In Exodus, He is the Passover Lamb
In Leviticus, He's our high priest
In Numbers, the fire by night
Deuteronomy, He's Israel's Guide
Joshua, He's salvation's choice
Judges, He's Israel's Guard
In Ruth, the kinsmen's redeemer
1st and 2nd Samuel, our trusted prophet
In Kings and Chronicles He is Sovereign
In Ezra, He's the true and faithful scribe
In Nehemiah, the re-builder of broken walls and lives
In Esther, He's Mordecai's courage
In Job, the timeless redeemer
In Psalms He is our morning song
In Proverbs, He is our wisdom
Ecclesiastes, He's the time and season
In Song of Solomon, He is the lover's dream
In Isaiah He is Prince of Peace
In Jeremiah, the weeping prophet
Lamentations, the cry for Israel
Ezekiel, the call from sin
Daniel, the stranger in the fire
Hosea, the forever faithful
Joel, the spirit's power
Amos, the strong-arms that carry
Obadiah, the Lord our Savior
Jonah, the great missionary
Micah, the promise of peace
Nahum, our strength and shield
In Habakkuk and Zephaniah, He's brings revival
In Haggai He restores that which was lost
IN Zachariah, He's our fountain
And in Malachi, He's the son of righteousness rising with healing in His wings
AND THAT'S JUST THE OLD TESTAMENT

In Matthew Mark Luke and John, He is God and Messiah
In the spirit filled book of Acts, He is the reigning fire from Heaven
In Romans, He is the grace of God
Corinthians, the power of love
Galatians, freedom from the curse of sin
Ephesians, our glorious treasure
Philippians, the servant's heart
Colossians, He's God and the trinity
Thessalonians, our calling King
In Timothy, Titus and Philemon, He's our mediator and our faithful pastor
In Hebrews, the everlasting courage
In James, the one who heals the sick
In 1st and 2nd Peter, our faithful shepherd
In John and Jude, He's the lover coming for His bride

AND in the Revelation, in the very end, when it's all over, said and done, when time is NO MORE. He is and will always be the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, Prince of Peace, son of Man, Lamb of God, The Great I am, Alpha and Omega, God and Savior He is Jesus Christ the Lord HE IS EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEED!

I'm still here...

I know, it's been almost a month since my last post. And all I can say is that we've been so busy. I mean super busy.

We went to the Jersey Shore June 11th thru the 15th. I went to Atlanta (you all knew that though) the 26th thru the 29th. I then returned back to work Tuesday, July 1st...what a joke...that could be an entire post of its own...but I won't...needless to say while I was off for the 6 months (bed rest, delivery, burial and grieving) my company came to realize that my position could be eliminated. Without going into great detail...I'll just say that this could only be a blessing in and of itself. An answered prayer (please pray for us as we try to keep our finances in check). We had the ginormous picnic on the 4th then went camping the 5th and 6th. We arrived home after dinner yesterday and slept the entire night and this morning away.

With all that said and done I will say that I have attempted to draft a post in regards to Atlanta. I am no where near finished, as it is so hard to put such an experience into words, but I promise it is soon to come...as well as the other events that have taken place. I'll be sure to post pictures, as I know you all just love to see them.

Thank you to those who continue to check-in and to those that continue to pray for us. Please don't stop!

And I needed this too! (guess who cleaned out her inbox)

June 09, 2008

Quote of the Day

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."
– T.S. Eliot

And these too!

June 04, 2008

"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going."
– Beverly Sills

June 01, 2008

"Map out your future, but do it in pencil."
– Jon Bon Jovi

May 31, 2008

"If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again."
– Flavia Weedn

May 30, 2008

"Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken."
– Frank Herbert

May 29, 2008

"Happiness always looks small while you hold it in your hands, but let it go, and you learn at once how big and precious it is."
– Aleksei Peshkov

May 27, 2008

"A day of worry is more exhausting than a week of work."
– John Lubbock

May 26, 2008

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible."
– St. Francis of Assisi

May 23, 2008

"If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you'll never enjoy the sunshine."
– Morris West

May 19, 2008

"If we wait for the moment when everything is ready, we shall never begin."
– Ivan Turgenev

May 14, 2008

"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."
– Harvey Fierstein

May 13, 2008

"Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even."
– Muhammad Ali

April 27, 2008

"It has been my philosophy of life that difficulties vanish when faced boldly."
– Isaac Asimov

April 26, 2008

"We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as causes and return to us as results."
– Herman Melville

Who needed this for today? I need it for the week...better yet, the month!

Monday June 09

This week's promise: God's timing is perfect

Watch the Lord rescue you

The Lord continued to strengthen Pharaoh's resolve, and he chased after the people of Israel who had escaped so defiantely. All the forces of Pharaoh's army—all his horses, chariots, and charioteers—were used in the chase.…

As Pharaoh and his army approached, the people of Israel could see them in the distance, marching toward them. The people began to panic, and they cried out to the Lord for help.

Then they turned against Moses and complained, "Why did you bring us out here to die in the wilderness? Weren't there enough graves for us in Egypt? Why did you make us leave? Didn't we tell you to leave us alone while we were still in Egypt? Our Egyptian slavery was better than dying out here in the wilderness!"

But Moses told the people, "Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch the Lord rescue you. The Egyptians that you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you. You won't have to lift a finger in your defense!"

Exodus 14:8-14 NLT

Bearing down

Whatever your worries are today, they probably do not top the 600 Egyptian war chariots bearing down on the children of Israel! Trapped between the mountains and the sea, the people forgot the God who had delivered them from the Pharaoh's hand, and they cried out in despair. But Moses, who focused on the promise of God, stood firm in his hope. When we face our "chariots," it is quite normal to feel anxiety and fear. But when we remember God's faithfulness and his ability to bring good out of any situation, we find our fears calmed and our confidence renewed.

from TouchPoint Bible commentaries by Ron Beers and Gilbert Beers (Tyndale) p 62

Content is derived from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation and other publications of Tyndale Publishing House

All over the place...

What to say...what to say...

I lay at night always thinking about what I will blog about next. Always talk to myself silently going over word for word of what I want to tell the blog world. Obviously the blog world realizes that those thoughts very rarely make it the screen. Oh how I wish I had good news for the outside world. How I wish I could sit here this very day and tell you all that I am doing great...

nope, ain't happening.

Although, I do think I am doing very well these days I am no where near great. This grieving the loss of your baby thing is far greater then anyone on the outside could ever imagine. It is only those select few that truly "get it". Those...those are my true friends.

I am ecstatic to announce that the mini trip planned for the end of June is a complete and total GO! I am all in and cannot wait. For those wondering I will give you a few of the details...I will be attending a conference 700 some miles away. Something of which I have never done, this will be my first. I will be flying out of Pittsburgh w/ a mommy of an angel (two angels at that). I cannot wait to see this females face, oh the tears that will be shed. Once arriving at our destination we will be greeted by not one, not two, not three....but FOUR! Yes, FOUR more mommies of angels. Can you imagine the joy in that airport, parking lot, hotel that day, that weekend...those four days. Oh, I cannot wait. A part of me wants to be nervous, but why. These girls already know me, they know my heart, my desires, my pain...these girls get it. They get me!

Thank you for the prayers in which helped this entire plan and trip come together as it has. I know that thru the power and love of God and our babies in His arms we, the six of us, have been united via the Internet and will be united face to face in just short of 3 weeks. There are many more than just the six of us. We will miss you...those of which we will not see on this one occasion. But I hope, I dream, I pray...that someday, we ALL will get a chance to meet, face to face, maybe even w/ our families in tote. Someday. And if not here on Earth, we will in Heaven...I will rejoice either way.

I sit here tonight w/ a second floor full of boys. A group of boys that have been friends since first grade. Dominic celebrated his 12th birthday once again. This time w/ his friends instead of his family...but these boys, might as well be his family...they are close knit. Close knit as I feel I am w/ girls that I have never even met...how weird that seems. I cherish, for Dominic, the friendships that he has. I cherish my own just as much.

Okay, I feel as if I am rambling. Maybe I am just delirious. It has been a long day. Soccer tournaments from 10:30 till 1:45 (we should have been there at 9:50 till 3:00). The ninety degree weather, the blaring sun and me rubbing ice cubes up and down my arms, face and chest did me no good...sunscreen might have worked a tad bit better. I look like a lobster. A lobster w/ a nice white circle in the middle of my chest (always wearing my necklace from Heather)!

After soccer (and a quick shower to cool off) my list looked like this:

Giant Eagle (sushi and gift cards)
Cemetery (always make time for my baby girl)
Toys R Us (use gift cards - gotta get the points off of my gas)
The Exchange (return)
Foot Locker (Dom sandals)
Greeting Gallery (gift - one for me and one for someone else)
Shop N Save (pizza and hoagies)
Subway (added to list after Shop N Save was outta hoagies)
Clean out van (ARRGGG!)

Needless to say, me and Mya did it all in about 3 hours. Then I needed another shower and we headed to Dominic's KSWA party.

The kids had a good time but we (Dominic too) came to realize that this will be his last KSWA party as they were more interested last year.

I spoke to Many caring people tonight. Those who knew what to say...and those who did not. No one upset me intentionally but some just didn't know that we said goodbye to our precious baby girl only 11 weeks ago. You know, the ones that say "how's the little one"? The same one that sent me a myspace message the day after she was buried saying congratulations. I didn't have it in me that day to say that she was gone. I just hoped that he'd read my blogs on myspace. Which reflect the same exact posts on here. He didn't. But it's okay. It feels good to cry sometimes. Even in public at that. I cannot pretend that this doesn't hurt or pretend that this pain isn't real. It seemed like a story before. It seems so real now. She's gone. She's not coming back. I can go to the cemetery every day. I know it won't bring her back. I can hope and dream and pray for God to fill this void, but nothing...no one...will ever take her place. That is why I can see other babies. Boys or girls. Her age or not.

I can go to my friends house who delivered twins just four short weeks after Eva was born. I can have hope seeing that set of twins knowing that on March 26th this year, their brother would have been one. But because of God's plan and the severest case of OI...baby Ryan was waiting for Eva in Heaven on what would have been his first birthday here on Earth. I can walk right in to Brandy's house and go right for baby Chloe, and Camden too. I can feed her, change her and hold her close smelling her new baby smell and you know what...it does nothing for me. Don't get me wrong...it brings joy to my heart and happiness in my arms and thankfulness to God for allowing two beautiful beings to be given to a family that hurt so bad just a year ago. But these babies are not mine. They look nothing like Eva. They smell nothing like Eva. They are not my Eva. That is what makes it all so much better and so much easier to handle.

I don't even know what my intent was w/ this post. I do know that it is late. 2:50AM at that. Seven more minutes...marks 11 weeks that Eva took her last breath and when her heart and lungs gave up here on Earth. She fought long and hard to give us what she gave and I thank her and God for it all. All that she and He gave me in those very short but very long 5 days, 18 hours and 10 minutes. Life as I knew it has changed. And I thank You Both for that.

Prayer request...for me...I am experiencing pain again. Above my incision. Puffiness and pain. Nothing major but nothing that seems to be normal either. I want it to be nothing. But I think that would be too easy. My life...has been far from easy. And because of fear...I tend to think the worst. Please pray that it is nothing. Please pray that it goes away. Please pray that if it is something that it is minor and can be fixed easily. I pray that it doesn't stand in the way of my desires, future, hopes nor dreams. Fear sucks! It's right there w/ losing my daughter these days. Fear...go away!

Eva has a new friend...

As we celebrated Dominic's 12th birthday yesterday I am saddened to read today that baby Jacob has joined Eva in the arms of our Heavenly Father. We know this heartache all too well. Please be thinking of and praying for the entire Fahmer Family in the days to come. Although loss is somewhat expected w/ having a trisomy 18 child you are never ever truly prepared for this pain. It has been 10 weeks since Eva left my chest and I still hurt every day. I will think about her, miss her and wish she were here everyday for the rest of my life. Over time it may get easier but the pain will never go away. With that said my heart aches w/ and for Karen, Jason, Joshua and Jonathan. Their lives have been forever touched and will never be the same. I cry w/ and for you tonight as we miss our babies. We rest in knowing that we will see them again...but knowing that doesn't make this journey any easier.

The latest post from Jacob's blog...

Saturday, May 31, 2008

It is with a weird combination of a heavy heart and sense of celebration that we are sad to announce that Jacob went home to be with the Lord today around 5:30 PM. Please pray that his life continues to be celebrated and that others draw close to Christ as a result of his passing.

Posted by Fahmer at 6:46 PM 185 comments

Thinking of you Ashley...

Please pray for their hearts as they mourn the loss of their precious daughter. I know their pain all too well, it tears at my heart.

The latest from Ashley's Caring Page...

THURSDAY, MAY 22, 2008 06:03 PM, CDT
This is not something I hoped to share so soon - Faith died at 5:32 this evening.

More information will follow later.

Tom

Friday morning PS - Ashley and Adam are home now and are working on funeral arrangements... details will be posted soon.

I want to encourage everyone to take some time to sign Faith's online guestbook - even if you only sign your name. It is a great encouragement - something difficult to explain.

There are a lot of things to work through right now - and God's grace is evident in the courage and fortitude Adam and Ashley are demonstrating each step of the way.

This will be a long journey for Ashley, Adam and the girls. Right now, there is a lot of work to do but as time passes, their heart will catch up with their mind and our faithful acts of love and encouragement will be needed and appreciated.

Tom

Update on Faith...

Update from Ashley's Caring Page...

THURSDAY, MAY 22, 2008 01:41 PM, CDT
She's here! Faith Ann Webb was born at 12:12PM Thursday, May 22nd.

Weighing in at 4lb 10oz and 18 inches long she is bright eyed and bringing smiles to everyone!

Ashley had a quick labor and everything well. (A little too quick - the scheduled doctor couldn't make it in time:)

Right now, Ashley, Adam and family are enjoying some time together - so I am off to join the crew... update and photos will follow later.

Ashley's very proud big brother,

Tom

Another Urgent Prayer Request!

I read this post tonight on Angie Smith's blog...I reposted it cause I coundn't word it any better than she did. My heart aches for the Chapman family.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Urgent Prayer Request
I can't think of a faster, more efficient way to mobilize prayer than to post this here...

Please, please pray (right now!) for Steven Curtis Chapman and his family. Details are still in process, but it appears that one of his sons was pulling into their driveway this evening and did not see his sister (5 year old Maria..adopted from China) in front of him. She was struck by the car and killed.

I have met him, but do not know him personally, although his reputation as a Christ-centered man precedes him. I cannot imagine what they are going through right now.

Please pray specifically for peace tonight in the midst of the storm. Feel free to leave those prayers here in the comments section, as well as any scriptures you feel you have been led to pray for them. There is power in the living word of God...power that a dear family needs tonight.

Thank you-
Angie

PLEASE PRAY FOR FAITH ANN!!!

Please pray tonight, tomorrow and for many days to come for the sweet family of Faith Ann Webb... Mom Ashley, Dad Adam, and big sisters Brooke and Hannah will be welcoming baby Faith Ann into this world tomorrow. We already know that, due to the trisomy 18 diagnosis, Faith and her family will need God's hands in all that they face in the minutes, hours, day, weeks and years ahead. Please pray for His perfect timing and for their hearts to feel His love and comfort. They need to feel our prayers as they face the unpredictable.

Rain...Rain...Go Away!

It has been raining for days. I don't care for rain. I'd rather it snow...and I don't like snow either. But at least w/ snow you can walk in and out of places w/out getting drenched or even really wet for that matter.

The rain seems to damper my day...as well as my mood. Even if we get a little bit of sunshine it still manages to rain somewhere throughout the day. The cemetery is a swamp. That's the only thing I don't like about where Eva was laid to rest. It is grossly muddy and soggy. The ground has settled a little too much where her tiny casket went into the ground and it tends to obtain a nice puddle.

Friday I stopped by the cemetery, as I still do on a daily basis. I squatted down to talk to her and asked her to send us some sunshine. I told her to get in kahoots (is that even a word or the way to spell it) w/ God and send us some sun! Vinnie was home from work earlier and I was running errands before the kids got off their buses. Dominic has been squinting a little too much lately so I thought it'd be best for an eye exam since his last one was in 2006. I was able to get him an appt at 5:30 and we were planning to go to Olive Garden for dinner at 6:30 so it worked out pretty nice. As we exited the mall after the eye exam to head to dinner...would you believe it...the rain had subsided and we had the most gorgeous sunshine for what seemed like a few hours! I knew she could hear me. I knew They could here me. What a difference a little bit of sun can do to ones mood! Dinner was great (thanks Aunt Donna for the birthday gift card)!

I guess I haven't posted in a while. Just backing up a few days...I celebrated my first birthday and mothers day as a mother of 3...all in one week. My birthday was no big deal, as it never is, nor has it been since I had kids of my own. We would normally do dinner or something, which we did...but this year we ate pasta dinner at Mya's school. Yum! (can you sense the sarcasm)? Mother's day was fine (as I posted that afternoon) but I did go to the cemetery that evening then to a family/friends house to watch the Penguin game. I let my emotions get the best of me as I sat next to one of my very bestest friends (whose birthday was that day) and sensed that she was miserable (it was one of those numbers that I guess as a woman we don't like too much). I asked if she was miserable, she said yes. I said well I'm right there w/ you. She said well at least you aint *0...(that number she doesn't like) and I said I'd rather be *0 and have all my children here than to be 29 w/out Eva. SO of course I cried.

I think I should be crying more. I don't think I should be doing this well. All in all I think being off work helps tremendously. I am sure that once I go back and get back into the swing of things I will be fine...but the thought of doing ANYTHING that I did when I was pregnant...is heart wrenching! I mean even down to watching certain TV shows and watching particular movies. I had to cancel my Netflix membership because I had two movies that sat on my computer desk from three days before Eva was born until last week. I couldn't bring myself to watch them. Seems silly, even to me, but you just don't know what it feels like to do things...like go places where I last went while pregnant. Work is one of those places. I have only been back once since Eva was born and gone...and that was for a co-workers shower. I was there for less than two hours and that was enough for me. Taking the bus too. I just don't wanna do it. Please pray for me as I am to return back to work within the next couple of weeks.

Another prayer request...I am attempting to plan a mini trip the end of June. And leaving Vinnie, Dominic and Mya behind (I'll posted details later so you'll understand why they would not be coming along). I am still praying about this. Praying that everything works out as it is supposed to and that all the details, big and small, fall into place. Praying that I am physically, mentally, emotionally and financially able to do this...as my heart desires it oh so much.

I thank those who continue to follow and pray for me...and for us. I guess the less I post the less I hear from my fellow bloggers, but who am I to say anything cause I read many and comment few and far between.

I know I still have some catching up to do but being so far behind I forget a lot of what I had wanted to say.

Please pray for the family of Zoe Elizabeth Batiansila as it seems she is getting tired these days.

And please continue to pray for Jacob Ryan Fahmer as he seems to be feeling a little better but not completely outta the woods.

Thanks Mel...

LISTEN & WATCH VIDEO HERE

MARIAH CAREY

"Bye Bye"

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky
'cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it but you kept me in line
I didn't know why you didn't show up some times
On Sunday mornings and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through
All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show because
You loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today face to face

[Chorus:]
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
“Miss you but I try not to cry”
As time goes by
Assume that you reached a better place
Still I'll give the whole world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
It feels like you gone too soon
The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

(Bye Bye [3x])
Bye bye

And you never got the chance to see how good I've done
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever

[Chorus]

(bye bye bye bye bye bye [3x])
Bye bye

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandfather's
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

[Chorus]

JACOB UPDATE

Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Update
Hi. It's Karen. Jacob has headed in a new direction. He spiked a fever of 102.1 (which is high for him since his temp is usually about 96 or 97). His respiratory rate and heart rate increased which gave him less frequent apnea spells but we fear him tiring out....he was breathing with lots of effort. We wiped him down with a wash cloth (meds are not an option and he should not be submerged to avoid chilling him) and this dropped his temp to 98.6 which is great. Pray he maintains that. He is now resting comfortably, his heart rate is normal for him and his apnea spells are still happening but he is alert to snap himself out of it. His belly is distended which leads me to believe his higher calorie formula could be giving him tummy trouble. He is currently on plain breastmilk again and his next feed we will give him one dose of pedialyte and then back to breastmilk to avoid bloating like last weeks episode. So, that is where we are at. THANK YOU for all your prayers and support. Please pray for wisdom and guidance and a strong, fighting baby boy.