I know...I know...

I know, I owe an update and tons of pictures. I am horrible at this blog thing anymore. Although, I do check on a ton of you of daily because that takes less time than it does to sit here and type my inner most thoughts and feelings. I always recite over and over again in my head what I plan to post next but those thoughts never make it here.

We are so busy but I guess that's what works for us. That doesn't mean that I am all better it just means that my life has slowly adjusted to reality of my daughter not being physically here w/ me. I miss here just as much today, if not even more, than I did minutes after she was gone. It baffles me how people tend to tell you that life gets easier...I beg to differ. It never gets easier. It will hurt forever. There will always be that empty feeling and that one little person will always be missing. PERIOD! Never gets easier. You just find your own, new coping mechanism. Mine, I guess is staying busy. And I have to say it is a true blessing being pregnant again and anticipating this new little life. It gives me so much hope and so much to be thankful for and another reason to trust and believe that God is indeed good and hears our prayers and answers them in His time.

I had my 16 week blood work done on Monday. I wasn't really worried about the results although I did call the next day to see if the results were in. I didn't know how long they would take but wanted the office to know that I was waiting on the results and to call me. I called again today just to see if they were in and that is when I realized how anxious I really was. Then a bit of fear set in. The thoughts of ...oh my...and...what if...and how could I do something like that again...but I tried my best to shut those thoughts down. I called the office once more, about 3 minutes before they closed and left yet another message just stating that I didn't want to be left hanging over the weekend and if the results weren't in to please at least let me know. Within minutes the phone rang. The nurse on the other end said that all the screening results were negative. I asked if that meant that they were normal results...and she said yes. Ahhh, a sigh of relief. Now, the next big appointment is October 13th. The level II ultrasound. I cannot wait. We will not be finding out the gender, at least that is my plan, but we will be making sure that all actually looks good. Please pray for this appointment.

I went back today and re-read last years posts. I received the T18 diagnosis call on September 28th, which is just 2 days away. What a year it has been. So bittersweet. I can barely read my own words. I so wish this was someone elses story and not mine. Don't get me wrong...I love Eva more than life itself, just wish I had her here and not waiting for me in Heaven.

I know I am missing lots of things w/ this post and I know I have more on my heart and on my mind but for whatever reason I am at a loss for words. I hope to continue this in a little bit...