Okay, so if you hadn't noticed...

Okay, so if you hadn't noticed, writing does not come easy to me. I know what is on my heart and what all I want to say but it just doesn't ever come out that way.

I know I need to pick up where I left off last week but I just don't feel like continuing what was a bad experience w/ a new doctor. I will someday pick up from last weeks post regrading my appt on November 26th but that won't be right now...

As you already know, it was September 28th when I received the phone call w/ the devastating diagnosis that the baby I am carrying is not only a girl but has what the medical community calls trisomy 18. We were really thinking that it was Downs Syndrome so this T-18 thing came as a shocker to me. I had know the statistics and knew that the prognosis was not good. So, at this beginning point of this "journey" I accepted these words...took what the genetic counselor was telling me to heart. It was two days later that I changed that whole thought process and stated to build up the faith that I have now sitting here today.

I'll briefly begin by saying that the day after the call I went to a Saturday night service at a church that my children and I had gone to most recently. I felt that at this time of great needed support I might find that at church. (Keep in mind that we have gone to a few churches over the past few years but never really felt that any were just where we were supposed to be). So, I attended this evening service alone as the kids were off w/ friends and family giving Vinnie and I some time to think and talk about the prior days news. I sat alone and probably cried the majority of the time. Wishing and hoping that someone, anyone would reach out and just hug me...ask me what was upsetting me...ask me if I needed or wanted to pray...but no one even noticed...no one noticed me, nor noticed that I was there looking for something...I didn't feel it, so after the service I left.

The next morning I woke before Vinnie, took a shower and left. Off to a 10am Sunday service at a church that we had gone to for a couple years but then left for whatever reason and hadn't been back for a couple years.

During the praise and worship the songs touched me, spoke to me...and of course the tears flowed. The lesson itself spoke to me...to my heart, it was about leaving a legacy for your children. The pastor had asked if anyone there was grieving the loss of a child...No, I wasn't grieving the loss of a child, yet...but I was grieving at the loss of my plan for this child. He asked for us to raise our hands. I of course did. After this he asked that those who raised their hands to come forward and I did. I cried the entire time because I felt it. I felt the presence of God as I stood at the front of that church. I felt that the prayer that the pastor was praying over all of us standing there was meant for me. You know that you either feel it or you don't...and I FELT THIS.

After the service the pastor said that if you were in need of prayer to get w/ one of the prayer team who would be standing along the sides. I wasn't quite ready yet, so I went to that bathroom first. I came out and approached a man I met 10 years ago when I was teller at a local bank. I hadn't seen him since the last time I had attended the church so I wanted to say hello. After doing so, I asked if he could point me in the right direction for prayer. He grabbed another man who took me to a female who was the leader of one of the life groups, a bible study that takes place on Sunday evenings at our local Panara.

The woman looked at me and asked what I was needing prayer for...Of course I lost it! Once I gathered my emotions, I told her that the baby I am carrying was diagnosed w/ a genetic disorder and was not expected to live. She looked me in the eyes and said "trisomy 18"? I about fell over! How did she know? Did she have a child? Did she know someone who did? These where the questions that raced through my mind all in that 10 second time span...She quickly said "I work in OB/GYN". She asked where I was at with this, what and where was my faith. I told her that we were not terminating and that I wanted prayer for acceptance and strength to get through what lied ahead and that if she lived to be able to handle her with her multiple disabilities. This woman looked me in the eyes and said "No, we are praying for healing...this baby is whole and healed and will live". She held me in her arms and just prayed over me and my baby. She demanded this baby's chromosomes to line up w/ the word of God. This was music to my ears. This was not what I had ever thought of doing...praying for healing and believing that trisomy 18 is not of God. To demand that extra 18th chromosome to flee from every cell of this baby's body! YES, YES, YES!

I left that service that September 30th with a whole new thought process. I was able to smile for the first time in days. I was able to eat more than I had in several days. I felt like a whole new pregnant person. I went from accepting the diagnosis and wishing I wasn't even pregnant anymore and from praying to God to just take her now.....to saying and thinking and believing that she will be okay and that she will live the long plentiful life that God had intended her to live. We didn't get pregnant by accident. This baby is here for a reason.

I have to say that there are days when satan tries to get the best of me. He tries to knock me off of the rock that I am standing on. It is hard to stand and walk in faith but I know that I can do this. I have come this far...only 16 more weeks of pregnancy to go...if I can walk in faith for 27 weeks of a pregnancy than I can walk in faith for eternity!

Back to where I left off last week. Sorry to jump around...

I saw a doctor in the perinatalogy office at the hospital where I will be delivering. I had been warned about him prior to this appt so his behaviour was of no surprise. He is rude and has no bed-side manners (but a very good doctor). He came in to the room and asked if I had any questions. I quickly said no because I knew I had no words for him. I was already disappointed that they had taken me off of the schedule for my ultrasound that day. His reasoning...why would we treat when the management isn't going to change. (Meaning that it is documented that this baby has T-18 so what difference does it make). I stated that I thought they would be monitoring things being that the other doctor in the practice mentioned at my level II scan that I could so preterm anywhere from 28-34 weeks (I said no way then and I still say no way)! He went on with something about not being able to stop labor if it were to happen preterm...and yada, yada, yada. I knew I was getting no where with this so I just left it at that. He went to leave the room and as he reached for the doorknob to exit he turned back to say in a mean and ignorant voice "If you don't make it mid-way through your 3rd trimester or even full term, that baby is going to DIE". I brushed it off and let his words go in and out the other. I know that he was speaking on a statistic...

I brought this doctors word up this evening at my life group bible study, stating that I need prayer on finding the right doctors. I felt that after seeing that schmuck on Nov. 26th I could not go back. I was thinking that I'd rather deliver my own baby in the front seat of my van than to let him put his hands on me...BUT it was then asked (by the same women that works in OB/GYN that I first prayed with) "Would you not want this doctor to deliver this miracle baby...to see that she is perfect and made whole...to completely knock his socks off...to show him that God is in control and knows the number of Eva's days...not him nor ANY doctor for that matter"! Again, I have to agree. I will continue to go to this office. I will still hope and pray that I have very little encounters w/ this man but will know that I will be okay if worse case scenario that he is on call the day or night that I deliver, if it is not pre-scheduled.

So, on that note...these scripture were read at our bible study.

Philippians 4:8 (The Message)
8-9 Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

Hebrews 11:1-6 (The Message)
Faith in What We Don't See

1-2 The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. The act of faith is what distinguished our ancestors, set them above the crowd.
3 By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see.
4 By an act of faith, Abel brought a better sacrifice to God than Cain. It was what he believed, not what he brought, that made the difference. That's what God noticed and approved as righteous. After all these centuries, that belief continues to catch our notice.
5-6 By an act of faith, Enoch skipped death completely. "They looked all over and couldn't find him because God had taken him." We know on the basis of reliable testimony that before he was taken "he pleased God." It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him.

I have been praying this prayer over Eva for weeks and wanted to share it. It is in a book called The Word Works by Shirley Greenslade. There are many others pertaining to pregnancy if anyone wants me to scan and send them more.

I will end this w/ my prayer for Eva...