All over the place...

What to say...what to say...

I lay at night always thinking about what I will blog about next. Always talk to myself silently going over word for word of what I want to tell the blog world. Obviously the blog world realizes that those thoughts very rarely make it the screen. Oh how I wish I had good news for the outside world. How I wish I could sit here this very day and tell you all that I am doing great...

nope, ain't happening.

Although, I do think I am doing very well these days I am no where near great. This grieving the loss of your baby thing is far greater then anyone on the outside could ever imagine. It is only those select few that truly "get it". Those...those are my true friends.

I am ecstatic to announce that the mini trip planned for the end of June is a complete and total GO! I am all in and cannot wait. For those wondering I will give you a few of the details...I will be attending a conference 700 some miles away. Something of which I have never done, this will be my first. I will be flying out of Pittsburgh w/ a mommy of an angel (two angels at that). I cannot wait to see this females face, oh the tears that will be shed. Once arriving at our destination we will be greeted by not one, not two, not three....but FOUR! Yes, FOUR more mommies of angels. Can you imagine the joy in that airport, parking lot, hotel that day, that weekend...those four days. Oh, I cannot wait. A part of me wants to be nervous, but why. These girls already know me, they know my heart, my desires, my pain...these girls get it. They get me!

Thank you for the prayers in which helped this entire plan and trip come together as it has. I know that thru the power and love of God and our babies in His arms we, the six of us, have been united via the Internet and will be united face to face in just short of 3 weeks. There are many more than just the six of us. We will miss you...those of which we will not see on this one occasion. But I hope, I dream, I pray...that someday, we ALL will get a chance to meet, face to face, maybe even w/ our families in tote. Someday. And if not here on Earth, we will in Heaven...I will rejoice either way.

I sit here tonight w/ a second floor full of boys. A group of boys that have been friends since first grade. Dominic celebrated his 12th birthday once again. This time w/ his friends instead of his family...but these boys, might as well be his family...they are close knit. Close knit as I feel I am w/ girls that I have never even met...how weird that seems. I cherish, for Dominic, the friendships that he has. I cherish my own just as much.

Okay, I feel as if I am rambling. Maybe I am just delirious. It has been a long day. Soccer tournaments from 10:30 till 1:45 (we should have been there at 9:50 till 3:00). The ninety degree weather, the blaring sun and me rubbing ice cubes up and down my arms, face and chest did me no good...sunscreen might have worked a tad bit better. I look like a lobster. A lobster w/ a nice white circle in the middle of my chest (always wearing my necklace from Heather)!

After soccer (and a quick shower to cool off) my list looked like this:

Giant Eagle (sushi and gift cards)
Cemetery (always make time for my baby girl)
Toys R Us (use gift cards - gotta get the points off of my gas)
The Exchange (return)
Foot Locker (Dom sandals)
Greeting Gallery (gift - one for me and one for someone else)
Shop N Save (pizza and hoagies)
Subway (added to list after Shop N Save was outta hoagies)
Clean out van (ARRGGG!)

Needless to say, me and Mya did it all in about 3 hours. Then I needed another shower and we headed to Dominic's KSWA party.

The kids had a good time but we (Dominic too) came to realize that this will be his last KSWA party as they were more interested last year.

I spoke to Many caring people tonight. Those who knew what to say...and those who did not. No one upset me intentionally but some just didn't know that we said goodbye to our precious baby girl only 11 weeks ago. You know, the ones that say "how's the little one"? The same one that sent me a myspace message the day after she was buried saying congratulations. I didn't have it in me that day to say that she was gone. I just hoped that he'd read my blogs on myspace. Which reflect the same exact posts on here. He didn't. But it's okay. It feels good to cry sometimes. Even in public at that. I cannot pretend that this doesn't hurt or pretend that this pain isn't real. It seemed like a story before. It seems so real now. She's gone. She's not coming back. I can go to the cemetery every day. I know it won't bring her back. I can hope and dream and pray for God to fill this void, but nothing...no one...will ever take her place. That is why I can see other babies. Boys or girls. Her age or not.

I can go to my friends house who delivered twins just four short weeks after Eva was born. I can have hope seeing that set of twins knowing that on March 26th this year, their brother would have been one. But because of God's plan and the severest case of OI...baby Ryan was waiting for Eva in Heaven on what would have been his first birthday here on Earth. I can walk right in to Brandy's house and go right for baby Chloe, and Camden too. I can feed her, change her and hold her close smelling her new baby smell and you know what...it does nothing for me. Don't get me wrong...it brings joy to my heart and happiness in my arms and thankfulness to God for allowing two beautiful beings to be given to a family that hurt so bad just a year ago. But these babies are not mine. They look nothing like Eva. They smell nothing like Eva. They are not my Eva. That is what makes it all so much better and so much easier to handle.

I don't even know what my intent was w/ this post. I do know that it is late. 2:50AM at that. Seven more minutes...marks 11 weeks that Eva took her last breath and when her heart and lungs gave up here on Earth. She fought long and hard to give us what she gave and I thank her and God for it all. All that she and He gave me in those very short but very long 5 days, 18 hours and 10 minutes. Life as I knew it has changed. And I thank You Both for that.

Prayer request...for me...I am experiencing pain again. Above my incision. Puffiness and pain. Nothing major but nothing that seems to be normal either. I want it to be nothing. But I think that would be too easy. My life...has been far from easy. And because of fear...I tend to think the worst. Please pray that it is nothing. Please pray that it goes away. Please pray that if it is something that it is minor and can be fixed easily. I pray that it doesn't stand in the way of my desires, future, hopes nor dreams. Fear sucks! It's right there w/ losing my daughter these days. Fear...go away!