I guess...

I guess because it has been nine months people assume we are all better now...

I guess because we are seven and a half months pregnant people assume we have picked up and moved on...

I guess because we appear to be functioning normally people assume we are back to normal...

But the truth be told...people...we are no better than we were on September 28th, 2007 ~ the day we received her diagnosis....we have far from picked up and moved on...and we are not and never will be normal again ~ not that we ever were. Instead...we are different...we are living each day the best that we can...and our normal is no where near your normal.

Speaking for myself here...

There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about her. There is not a day that goes by that her name is not spoken out loud thru my lips. There is not a day that goes by that she is not tremendously missed. There are many constant reminders of her absence. The still so very tender scar on my abdomen is just one of the many. The dwelling place of her little brother that is growing profusely, with every toss and turn and kick and punch felt from within is just another reminder of what her sick little self was incapable of allowing me to feel just a year ago. Her pictures that are all over the house instead of her crawling at my feet as I type.

What I'd give to have her here in my arms...here...today. Instead of nursing my baby girl after work, baby food feeding her dinner in a high chair and nursing again before bed...this evening...I will attend a memorial service sponsored by The Caring Place (the support group that we attend for our grieving children and their families).

So I guess what I am trying to say here...is that we are not all better, we have not moved on and we are by far not back to any type of normal. Please do not assume that because we can go about our day, laugh and function as everyone else does...does not mean that we are still not grieving, mourning, missing and healing over the loss of our baby girl.

Yes, we are anticipating this new little boy more than ever but we are also more protective of our hearts knowing more than ever that we are not promised tomorrow....not w/ each other, not w/ our other children, not w/ our parents/grandparents, and certainly not w/ this new baby boy. I cherish every move he makes even if I sometimes find myself praying at night for him to just fall asleep. I am anxious to meet him but just as anxious as I am to be reunited w/ my precious Eva. There are many bittersweet feeling and emotions felt each and everyday. I just wish people could understand where we are coming from, where we are at, where we are going and where we will never be again.

I am still here...

Thank you to those who have reached out, concerned, asking if everything is okay. I am here. I have nothing profound to say. I am just here. I could care less about the holidays, and felt this way prior to Eva. If it weren't for Dominic and Mya I could go right thru the festivities w/out skipping a beat. Tonight, I am miserable. Likely because of a certain someone around me. But I won't get into that. Just for now...I am here. Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers. I hope that everyone has a very happy and truly blessed Christmas and New Year!