Keller, TX ~ August 7th, 2010

Keller, TX ~ August 7th, 2010
The "eight of us" together w/ our NEW babies after our losses...

Living Proof ~ June 13th, 2009 ~ Pittsburgh, PA ~ Beth Moore

Deeper Still ~ June 28th, 2008

Deeper Still ~ June 28th, 2008
The "eight of us" w/ Beth Moore (w/ empty arms)...

Wednesday, November 6, 2019


(I wrote this 7 years ago)....

***And here we are. Over 7 years later. And I’m posting this, now. It’s been in “draft” status since October 15th, 2012. It was a good read. And ohhh the changes that have occurred since then lol but I’ll save all of that for its own post. Someday.... with that being said, I sure do miss this place. This blog. My escape. Till next time. Whenever that may be.

Here we go again. more changes. i used to adjust well to change. maybe i still do. but this time. i wasnt ready? expecting? wanting? prepared for? this change.
let me back up a bit. sheesh. it's been quite sometime since i've blogged. everything in "here" looks different than i remember. i guess it's "changed" too. ugh!
two years ago, this month, i began working from home, after working 90 days in the office. how exciting it was to venture on to something so new, working from home. it was great. different, but great. a lot of work. but i managed. and managed it well. three months in i had it down pat. my schedule, my routine. it worked. it was perfect. i'd get dante to sleep by midnight, and i'd shower and start working. in my fuzzy pj's, in my dinning room, at my little desk w/ my company laptop, next to my personal desktop, w/ K-love playing softly. i worked monday thru thursday, midnight till 8am, give or take. at most times thinking...this is the life. i'd email my boss regularly or we'd text even more often. she'd thank me for getting reports finished in a timely manner. but that's as far as the recognition went. i'd thank her in return for providing me w/ such "perfect" employment. the majority of our communication was via text. that was fine by me.
i had asked, when i was hired, for a little bit more money. i was told it wasnt possible, at that time. i asked if i could be reviewed after 3 months, thinking i'd knock their socks of w/ my performance and then they couldnt deny me of such raise. i was told that was something that could likely happen. at that 3 month mark i was just leaving the office for home. i still needed help w/ getting reports wrapped up, the end of month and more. i didnt ask for the review as i didnt feel up to par. 3 months later i was up to par and beyond...but my boss was delivering her twins, early, and then on her maternity leave. little did i know, i was expecting myself. that explains why, all of a sudden, i couldnt keep my eyes open working that midnight till 8am shift. i was exhausted. and becoming sick. then the chest pains began. causing fear of another pulmonary embolism. hospital visits, cat scan or mri, i forget which it was, at 7 weeks pregnant w/ deluca. my job was less important to me, as my health and my baby were number one on my list.
i continued to work, doing my best. taking my laptop w/ me to family parties, working while everyone laughed, ate and partied it up. i mentioned to my boss again how it'd be great to have that review, more money would be nice, to compensate the amount of hours and work i was putting in. mind you, i was hired for 25-34 hours, part time...but the last week of the month i found myself working 36 hours on the clock plus 4-20 hours more off the clock. overtime? ppppfffffttttt! nope. the additional hours were just "tacked" on to the next week because the first week of the month was the slowest, you know, after the hustle bustle of end of month was complete. my time clock was "mickey moused" more times than i can count.
i worked until a few days, maybe a week, before deluca was born. i took 8-9 weeks off, FMLA, w/ no pay. you know...being part time and all. HA! i returned to work, still working from home, the first week of december. by christmas i was a mess. ready to take my additional 3 weeks of FMLA just to figure out how this was going to work w/ two little ones to take care of. my boss text me, more than one, i believe, asking "can you do this, can you manage? do yo think you can get the work done" mind you, again, that the office implemented new software, while i was off on my maternity leave. it was like starting a whole new job. they had also added more stores. more stores = more work = same pay?
i, once again, somehow managed. for 9 more months, to get the job done. little to no sleep. nursing baby on one side, laptop on the other. managed, did the best that i could, got the work done. above and beyond what anyone else would have done. i over analyze. wish i didnt but i do. always have.

by this point the company has added 5 more stores. to a position that already was enough work for 2 people. most months i'd need help. because not only has the work load changes but my home life, w/ a baby and toddler, a tween and a teen, has also...CHANGED...making it all the more difficult for me to manage.
labor day weekend i broke my hand. boxer break is what they called it. was put in a partial cast that limited use of my fingers, hand and wrist. it sucked horribly bad but was glad to prevent surgery. cast = work restriction = 3 weeks off...again, no pay. but oh so thankful to have had those 3 weeks of FMLA remaining.

returned to work the last week of september. finished out the month. and even finishing up the month before, since no one completed the report, in my absence w/ the broken hand. first week of october i'm asked to come into the office. to meet, discuss the work load, make sure we're on the same page. discuss money?? lol two years later!
i go into the office. we meet. the big "boss" wasnt even there. here...this "meeting" is to advise me of some "changes" they have decided to make to "my" position. it is now going to be "in the house" and no...they didnt mean inside MY house. they meant inside "their" house...aka...the office. they could/would increase the pay, even consider making it full time (even though it requires 2 people, at roughly 60-75 total hrs per week). these people knew i couldnt do that. they knew damn well that i would have to jump thru major hoops to pull such off. they knew my situation at home. seriously. why not just kick me out the door?
long story short...haha yea right! nothing short about this.
changes. i am now unemployed. i would have been making 5 dollars net over my cost of daycare. do the math if you must. i wouldnt have been able to afford clothing to work in the office setting, gas in my van to get there, and food to eat for lunch during the week. it wouldnt have worked. even if i could have finangled something...they wanted and every other saturday work schedule. cause you know, daycares are open on saturdays!! wants happening. not to mention the fact that the word day care sickens me at the very thought, brings me near a panic attack w/ anxiety, and my kids...well, there lives would have been flipped UP.SIDE.DOWN. dante has been w/ me, at home for two years. deluca just turned 1 :) less than a week ago. they, unfortunately, have poor sleeping schedules due to my working from home, overnight, jacked up schedule, routine. i needed, well choose, to keep them up late(r) so they would sleep in late(r) so when i would finish working at 7am or 8am they would allow me to get some much needed rest. and 9 nights out of 10 deluca was up at least once, to nurse, before i'd even finish.
i am not completely sure where i was going w/ the post. i may not even post it for that matter. i mean, why do i want the world, if anyone even comes here anymore, to know my issues at hand. although, i will say that looking back, i think that this job ruined my life. my system, routine, schedule. sleeping habits, and the same goes for my children. i, at times, have been a mess. a monster. miserable. tired. unbearable to deal with. i am considering this a blessing. another path our lives are taking. for the better. there has got to be a job out there for me. less hours? less work load? no daycare! at home? in an office? kid friendly? who knows. for now, i'm going to sit back...see, hope, that the unemployment comes through, and start my job search, yet again.

*please, before anyone wants to attack because i plan to collect because i am entitled...i have worked every day of my life since i was 15...i have only had time off to deliver my babies, bury my daughter, and most recently my broken hand. people, the world, are so judgemental that they automatically think ones a bum if they mention "sit back" and/or unemployment. this is the third company in 4 years that i have returned to after being off on FMLA to "lay me off". first having delivered a baby and buried said baby, second having my hours cut to 5 per week (30 hrs per wk job) due to caring for my sick son, and this current situation being the third. the first time i didnt collect but had a new job, w/ a previous employer, the following week. and permanent employment 3 weeks later. second time, i again, had new employment making much less than the previous job and was able to collect partial payments for 2 months before landing this work from home gig.*

in the meantime, i'm going to do everything in my power to get our schedules adjusted accordingly, sleep when we should be sleeping, awake and functioning when normal people are up and out, get dante in preschool, as well as other activities, get more involved w/ dominic and mya's academic needs, school functions and more. get my house in order, clear out the baby items :'( tears! sniff! sniff!! and the toys, to make room for *gasp* christmas. i'm going to hold my babies when they want held. i'm going to be less tired, less cranky, less mean. laugh more, love more, live more. getting a better grip on the world around me cause seriously, this job, destroyed my life.

it is now 5AM sunday moring, october 15, 2012 ~ figured i'd type that because i am unsure when and if i will ever post this...

***And here we are. Over 7 years later. And I’m posting this, now. It’s been in “draft” status since October 15th, 2012. It was a good read. And ohhh the changes that have occurred since then lol but I’ll save all of that for its own post. Someday.... with that being said, I sure do miss this place. This blog. My escape. Till next time. Whenever that may be.

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